Ask Marwa: I want to die (Virginity … AGAIN!!)

Date posted: March 31, 2009


Dear Marwa

I do not know who else to talk to. I tried committing suicide three times, I thought of running away, I thought of leaving the country, and I still do not know what to do. I am a 22 year old girl from a very religious and conservative family. I am still studying and this is why I could not afford leaving my family or my country. Why do I want to die? Because I made a mistake and had sex with my 23 year old fiancee.

I am ashamed of myself and my fiancee calls me names, beats me up, and always reminds me of my sin. I cannot sleep. If I leave him I will never get married and if my family found out they will kill me. If I get married to him he will continue insulting me. Is there a way out? Can you help me?

From Someone who wants to die.
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Dear Someone who wants to die,

Let me start my reply to you by saying that your problem is bad and there is no way to make it better … but there are ways to help you minimize the damage. The first way is to change your attitude! Yes … you are a sitting duck waiting for him to shoot you! Let me elaborate: sleeping with your fianc?e was a mistake but it is not your mistake alone … it takes two to have sex and he was part of the mistake … imagine what your parents would do to him had they found out … or what his parents would do to him … you are not the only one who is guilty.

 

Your fianc?e is a first class jerk for he is blaming you completely for this and he is denying his share of the guilt … next time he treats you bad or says anything that hurts you, I want you to be strong – sound strong – and tell him that he was part of it too … tell him that you hate him for not being man enough to control himself … tell him that you disrespect him because he has double standards … tell him that you are thinking of telling your parents and his … threaten him!!!

I cannot understand why you are so weak and submissive … HE WAS PART OF IT! If you are a sinner he is a sinner too. If you are a bitch for expressing your love then he is an ass for taking advantage of it – get this in your head and act upon it. You tried killing yourself three times for what? For his crime? Come on!! Do you think killing yourself will make it go away? Do you think it will make him more human and a better person? Do you think it will make him respect you? Do you think he will treat you better after you die?

If you slept with him only once … then do not sleep with him again. If you did it more than one time … then stop doing it! Every time you have sex with him you will feel bad about yourself … he will make you feel bad about yourself … and you will not gain anything by doing that. Making a mistake once does not justify him blackmailing you into doing it again and again. Now the bigger question is: Should you stay or should you leave?

I know that the idea of leaving him sounds impossible to you now but let me tell you that leaving him and staying single for the rest of your life is better than getting married to him and allowing him to break you to pieces. Imagine what kind of life you will have together! He is not a decent man! He is not a gentleman! He will abuse you forever because you allow him to.

Reading your message again gives me the impression that you are there to serve this guy … how could he beat you unless you are in a private place? And why would you allow yourself to be in a private place with him? You are afraid of losing him and this is why you do anything and everything he wants? This is so wrong … when he is done abusing you he will just leave
you and by then, you would have lost your dignity not just your virginity. Getting married to him will not fix the mistake; it will just make it worse. Leaving him will not fix the mistake either but it will give you a chance to have a life without abuse. We all pay for our choices but no one has to pay the full price for a joint mistake.

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