Ask Marwa: I want to hate him

Date posted: April 22, 2009


Dear Marwa

I don't know where to start it has been a very long time, I am a 21 year old medical student and I have been in love with a guy for 8 years. How do I describe it? "he was to me something apart from common life something noble , pure ,the world seemed to me finer because he is in it and goodness more real because he lives" . Here is the problem: I am a shy straight forward veiled girl who seems to intimidate guys. He was with me in high school and I admired him from a distance. We went to college and it turns out that we are colleagues. We exchanged a few words as he asked if we knew each other from high school. My reply was serious, brief, and to the point.

On and off from there I started seeing him more often, where mostly he'd greet me again and again from a distance, given my nature and our culture and traditions, he never tried anything more open despite that his close friends and mine started acting weird about it when they noticed !!!!

Everything got weird, whenever he avoided me I avoided him until last he was closer than ever; always trying to look out for me from a distance and watch out for me that my best friend noticed it too. Then a girl came into the picture, caught his attention, and followed him everywhere. He always acted weird if he was talking to her and I showed up, he'd stutter or even leave. Things evolved between the two of them and I was shattered; he knew I was hurting and from that day onwards he avoided me and would look to the ground whenever he passed me by and not look me in the eye. Everyone seems to think that I am better off and that I deserve better but I still can't forget him, I cant hate him and I allow myself only to remember his virtues and good doings, please tell me what to do.

N

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Hey N

Thank you so so much for trusting me with your problem … I am really honored.

Here is my advice but please try to follow it: You need to put things into perspective … we feel overwhelmed when we blow things out of proportion … we make stories out of nothing and live
emotions that belong elsewhere in our lives. Let me take your hand and drag you from cloud 9 to planet earth.

Love is a very very big word … what you felt for this guy is admiration … may be attraction … that developed into an obsession. To love someone you have to be very close … you talk … you open up … you share interests … you build dreams … you share a part of you … but this is
not the case … you had a dream of your own … alone … in your head … and it kept growing bigger till it obscured your vision.

Did it cross your mind that maybe his weird reactions and stuttering and looks at you were just a reaction to how you acted around him? There is nothing wrong with your serious look, your veil, your straight forward attitude, and your personality … there is something wrong with your approach to relationships … you made a mountain out of a mole and this is why you cannot let go.

You cannot hate him because he did nothing … he did not promise you anything … he did not lead you on … he did not play you. You cannot move on because you spent 8 years of your life obsessing over him … if he is gone he will leave a huge gap behind. My advice would be to put things into perspective … see facts for what they are without the extra feelings. If you do that you will get over him.

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