Ask Marwa: I left him! I am hurting

Date posted: November 28, 2009


Hi there

I know my problem will sound weird to most people but I wish you could understand me. I was in a long-term relationship and it ended. I ended it. I had to end it. Most of your articles that deal with heartache talk to the partner who was dumped and how to get over their pain. What about me? I chose to end it … and it hurts. Why? And how do I move on?

Zeina

Hello Zeina

Do you think that the pain would be any less if you dumped him? Think again! Do you honestly believe that those who end the relationship do not suffer? I disagree! Before you read on, I just want you to know that I am talking about real honest genuine deep relationships. I am not talking about a fling or a "snack" or a rebound. I am not talking about a relationship with Mr. Wrong until Mr. Right comes along.

Whether ending the relationship was your choice or his, it hurts. I am talking a man who you grew to know and love over a period of time. You dedicated time, effort, and emotions to this relationship. You shared plenty of present moments with someone who now belongs in the past instead of the future. You shared a part of yourself and allowed yourself to be weak and vulnerable. You had dreams and they were crushed.

The fact that you chose to draw a line and move on does not mean that you have actually moved on – unless you have been contemplating this breakup for a long time before you actually did it. Like a person who was dumped, you will be haunted by memories, loneliness, regrets, anger, and uncertainty. Here are a few tips to help you deal with this period.

DO NOT

1. Do not deny yourself the right to grief; it's ok to be sad and it's only natural to feel angry – angry at him, at yourself, and at people who played a role in bringing the relationship to an end. If you have an urge to cry or scream do not hold back.
2. Do not play tough; a lot of people think that since they ended it, then it was their decision, then there is nothing to be sad about – wrong! You simply had to chose the best of two bad options: continuing in the wrong relationship or dealing with the unknown.
3. Do not jump into another relationship – PLEASE! This is a rebound and you will end up hurting someone else. Take a break.
4. Do not give in to depression and regret; yes, the signs were all there but for some reason you did not see them early enough. The good news is that you have learnt and that you will not make the same mistakes again.
5. Do not brag! Yes, a lot of people brag about the fact that it was them who ended the relationship. This is just bad manners and immature.

DO
1. Go to the gym, dance, walk, exercise, or engage in any other physical activity – this will release endorphins into your system to balance the doom and gloom mood.
2. Travel. If you enjoy the outdoors and nature, shopping and busy cities, the beach, or historical sites, then traveling for a week or two is an option.
3. Find a new addiction – yes this is what I just said! Some people have addictive personalities and the worst thing about a breakup is giving up habits. What are you supposed to do with the time you spent with the ex? I personally tired candle-making classes – exotic, fun, and interesting. You can try anything new even if it is playing cards or chess.
4. Start having new dreams to replace the ones that went down the drain. Happy thoughts, please! I do not want you to fill your head with stuff like: "I will never be happy", "I will never meet a good guy", "I am destined to be single", and "what is wrong with me?" …. Your thoughts become your reality!
5. Finally learn to forgive yourself and to forgive your ex. You do not need to clutter your mind and heart with negative thoughts that will just make you miserable, bitter, and inaccessible.

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