Ask Marwa: How can I change my partner?

Date posted: May 1, 2010


How can I change my partner?
Dear Marwa

I have been married since 2004 to a great man. He is everything I ever wanted; kind, caring, responsible, and a great father. There is one thing about him that I wish I could change: My husband is totally anti-social! He hates going out. He does not want to leave the house and he does not want me to invite anyone over. He does not like dining out or going to the movies. He is not into traveling or adventure of any sort. We have a lovely daughter and – thank God – she took after me. We go out and have lots of fun. I just wish her father was part of it.

I tried everything since we got married but he refuses to change or even try new things. How can I change him? How can I make him become sociable and adventurous?

Nahla

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Dear Nahla

Many men and many women try to change their partners – from silly things as eating habits and the toilet seat dilemma, to more serious things like beliefs and attitudes.

Then they hit a brick wall and they get frustrated with their marital life and then they come to me asking for advice! They all want a quick guide to easy steps to change your partner … and I always reply saying the same thing: You cannot change your partner!

Yes! Human beings have a lot of power but changing people is not one of those powers. Molding people is not an option. You cannot shape your kids, your partner, your colleagues, or anyone else who crosses paths with you. We just do not have that divine power!

Before marriage, you do your best to choose a partner you can live with; someone you can tolerate! After marriage, you can only find ways to adapt! The only control you have is over yourself! You cannot change him but you can change what you expect of him! You cannot change him but you can change how you deal with him! You cannot change him but you can change how you react to his flaws!

This is where the effort should go … instead of putting all your effort into invading another human being's space capsule, you need to redirect that effort inwards towards yourself and how you see things. Remember that part of being in love with someone is accepting them as they are.

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