100 Tips for being a “GOOD GIRL” in Egypt

Date posted: April 1, 2007


 

INTRODUCTION: THE GOOD GIRL IN MARKETING TERMS

Your vision:
To be perceived as a good girl at all times.

Your mission:
To bend over backwards to please others.

Your positioning statement:
The Ultimate Denying Experience (apologies to BMW)

Your target audience:
Vain ladies and gentlemen.

Your objectives:
Trial and, hopefully, purchase.

Your marketing mix:
Product: You
Price: Your Life
Place: "Good girl" outlets though "good girl" distribution channels
Promotion: Personal ads, word of mouth, favorable reviews, crisis management strategies, cute emails and regular SMSes to all eligible bachelors and mothers of potential bachelors, and last but not least, promote your cooking, sewing, budgeting, and loving competitive advantages in all outings.

CHAPTER 1 – THE DULL DOLL LOOK

1) Have a wardrobe of cute girly, or tom-boyish, outfits for family visits – they will never notice you growing up!
2) Have a stash of sexy tops to go with your hidden ultra low rise jeans for hanging out purposes – great disguise!
3) Curly hair is a sign of wildness; straighten it to give you an innocent look or cover it for the ultimate trustworthy look.
4) If you add a few blond streaks, always make it sound like the stupid hairdresser's mistake.
5) Use lip gloss and pout.
6) Use volumizing mascara and flutter your lashes.
7) Try natural color blush to give you the needed flush.
8) Invest in a great concealer to hide your pores, your age, and your imperfections.
9) Gaze into an imaginary line behind whoever you are talking to for a super dull look.
10) If you are tempted to straighten your back and show off you femininity, remember that you are a heap of bones wrapped up in fat and covered with flawed skin.

CHAPTER 2 – WATCH YOUR MANNERS

11) Speak in a low decent tone regardless of how low and indecent your words are.
12) Laughing out loud in public is not becoming of a "good girl".
13) Keep your legs closed and close to one another in public.
14) If you do otherwise, with your legs, in private, always say it is the first time.
15) Smile at all times – it makes you look authentic.
16) Avoiding eye-contact does not make you a liar, it just makes you shy.
17) Learn from Halle Berry; the look but don't touch attitude flies well.
18) A "good girl" never ever smokes – in the bathroom is fine.
19) Shishas & lollipops are out of the question – "good guys" are quite imaginative.
20) Table manners dictate that you should eat in silence and smile when necessary.

CHAPTER 3 – THE EPITOME OF INNOCENCE

21) Avoid talking to guys – if possible.
22) Talk to them while standing up – to give the impression that it is a casual chat.
23) Sit with a guy in groups only – you are a "good girl", remember that.
24) Never get involved with a guy.
25) Hide it if you do.
26) Lie about it if you are asked.
27) Deny it forever when it is over.
28) Never hold hands in public.
29) Do anything you want in private.
30) No matter what, you are always a virgin and you do not know how babies are made.

CHAPTER 4 – THE SISTERS

31) Always be seen in the company of other "good girls".
32) Never tell a "good girl" a secret; she will blackmail you.
33) Never introduce a "good girl" to a potential guy; she will innocently hit on him.
34) Never cry in front of a "good girl"; she will bring it up again to hurt you.
35) Never talk to a "good girl" who is turning into a "bad girl".
36) Be a diplomat; anything you say will be used against you.
37) Be a nun; forgive, forget, and never tell.
38) Be an idiot; nerds never threatened anyone.
39) If you have an urge to talk about sex, it is never you; it is always about "one of those girls".
40) Never call another "good girl" a bad name in her face – you can say anything you want behind her back.

CHAPTER 5 – YOUR OPINIONS

41) Have no opinions what so ever.
42) If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself.
43) If you happen to have brains, hide them – brains scare "good guys".
44) Go with the flow; if they hate miniskirts, then you've never seen one.
45) Thinking is bad for your health.
46) If you really surly truly have to disagree, agree first.
47) No matter what, avoid having any opinions on sex, religion, politics, independence, women, men, life, and death.
48) "I aim to please" – repeat it and act upon it.
49) You've always wanted to get married to a guy like your dad.
50) You've always wanted to be like your mother when you grew up.

CHAPTER 6 – YOUR CHARACTER

51) Have no character; be as colorless as possible.
52) "Good girls" are modest; stifle your self-esteem.
53) Be soft and mild to attract a "good guy"
54) You are obedient to the bone.
55) Have no aspirations; you were born to be a mother and a wife.
56) If you have aspirations; they are family obligations not your choice.
57) Public displays and private affairs should be kept miles apart.
58) You have a selective version of Alzheimer's – use it when cornered.
59) Being illusive will make you more desirable.
60) Being a double-faced hypocrite will make you more mysterious.

CHAPTER 7 – YOUR CAREER

61) The sole purpose of working is to meet Mr. Right.
62) Avoid careers; "good guys" do not appreciate them.
63) Get a job that gives you minimum exposure and zero fulfillment.
64) A promotion is not an achievement; finding a man is.
65) A trip abroad is never good news.
66) Be a friend to all.
67) "Good girls" do not talk to their male colleagues.
68) If you have to talk to them, make it strictly professional.
69) Your male boss and colleagues are werewolves in disguise.
70) Your female boss and colleagues are always jealous – poor you!

CHAPTER 8 – YOUR WEAPONS

71) Tears will get you out of absolutely anything.
72) Apologies will erase any opinion you might have accidentally voiced.
73) Blindfolds; put them on and rest in peace.
74) Mouth gags are a great tool to keep your mouth shut when hurt and if insulted.
75) Your back; turn it to anyone who needs help and you will never get in trouble.
76) Put on a sad face and you will always be the adorable center of attention.
77) Put on the lost princess look and a savior is bound to show up.
78) White lies were created to make you prettier.
79) Black lies were created to make your man happier.
80) A veil will give you immunity – put it on and do as you please.

CHAPTER 9 – ABSOLUTE NOS

81) Drinking is totally unacceptable – it is always your first sip.
82) Girls with a tattoo are bad – have yours in a hidden place.
83) Girls with a belly piercing are loose – hide yours but talk about it.
84) You always have a curfew – it is always the first time you've missed it.
85) Dancing is for "bad girls", "good girls" stare and curl their lips.
86) "Good girls" never go to bars or pubs – it is always your first time.
87) Love? Every man you meet is your first, and last, love!
88) Sex? What sex?
89) Internet dating; a "good girl" always rises above such obscenities.
90) Strength, brains, independence, career, and a life are male-repellents.

CHAPTER 10 – THE "GOOD GUY" YOU DESERVE

91) As long as he comes home in the end, he can do as he pleases.
92) As long as he feeds you, keep your mouth shut.
93) He can force you to stay home – you never had a career anyway.
94) He can boss you around – you never had an opinion, so why complain now?
95) He can be as disrespectful as he wants, and you can cry as much as you want.
96) He can beat you up for every white lie he discovered.
97) He is fully entitled to isolate you from the female friends you never had.
98) A "good guy" is jealous; you will never get to wear your stashed wardrobe.
99) He will never tarnish your innocence and take you dancing; he will have a girlfriend to escort him.
100) If you give birth to a baby girl, he will make sure she is brought up as a "good girl"!

CONCLUSION:

I proudly announce that, over the past 10 years, I have managed to convert from being a "good girl" to a "bad girl".

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