Date posted: December 1, 2005
" … maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney." – Meg Ryan as Kate McKay in the movie Kate and Leopold.
How are you this year? I know you are very busy but I really need you to consider my wish. I have been a good girl last year and I know what I want for a gift this year. I am writing to you a whole month in advance so you can search thoroughly and I will give you all the clues to help you out of that chimney that you keep getting caught into one year after the other. I do not think that you are a myth and I do not think that love is a myth, so my dear love Santa please read my letter and make my wish come true. I will not ask for a bigger wealth or for better health, I neither want earthly pleasures nor heavenly measures … I want a man.
I want you to dash through the snow on your sleigh, jingle your bells, and get your elves to run up and down the globe to get me my long-awaited present, and when you get him skip the chimney part and just leave him in my balcony or, even better, on my doorstep. I have always been accused of not knowing what I wanted and of not being decisive so I will go to the nitty-gritty details because I do not want you to send me the wrong man …. Again! I hope you do not think of me as being bossy; I am just helping you with your hunt, and mine, for Mr. Right.
To help you with the screening process, I will first rule out what I know for sure that I do not want. Married, lost, depressed, expired, or clumsy is out of the question. Narrow-minded, cold-hearted, mind-numbing, or thick-skinned is not even an option. Bad English, bad breath, or bad grooming is a bad gift. Jobless, faithless, or moneyless makes less of a Christmas gift. I don't like quiet, boring, or dull men and I prefer them tall dark and handsome but fair cute and blond is not crossed out, and he has to like my curls!
Now that I helped you out with the outlines let's go to a more sophisticated level, and Santa, I have to give you a fair warning, this is the level that confuses you the most every year. Make sure this time he is intellectual yet sensitive; sensitive yet masculine; masculine yet tender; tender yet protective; protective but not possessive. Have I said enough? Oh and Santa, I have had enough of Cavemen, Smarties, Sparkies, and Bigs. My heart has had enough bumps, dumps, and jumps. I ran out of glue mending broken pieces and I have no more tolerance for any more make-ups and break-ups.
Santa, I am not dictating anything; I am just helping you get me the right gift. People say that I am too picky, demanding, and uncompromising but I am just a girl who wants to take exactly what she is willing to give; I just want to love and to be loved – but I will never love a man unless he has a consensus from my mind, body and heart. Now that I went that far without any divine intervention to stop me from continuing my letter, I will assume that this is a clear sign that you will take my wish seriously this year.
Ah … one last thing before I seal it with a kiss; no Virgos or Scorpios allowed; I will not even bother explaining the reasons! If you find me a Cancerian, send him with a life-time stock of anti-depressants, and needless to say that Sagittarius men are known to be so-so in the sack so I will need a money-back guarantee. A refined Leo or a not-so-loud Aries is like looking for a needle in a haystack so forget it. Gemini's are not very straightforward and Aquarius guys are sloppy. Pisces are so out of touch with reality and Taurus men love playing grand inquisitor with me and I do not like either signs. I might consider a Capricorn who puts me next to his career, instead of miles and miles below. I am a Libra and I am not sure two of me will be a good gift. Don't let that stop you Santa … work with their ascendants, check their Karmas, and email me potential resumes so I can pick my gift