Flush – I am a toilet

Date posted: March 6, 2009


He told me that I needed to meditate and that if I looked inside me I would find all the answers, the cure, and the strength that I needed. I was curled at the far end of the sofa at the far end of the room at the far end away from the light. He told me that I looked old and defeated when only a few days ago I was glowing. I wanted to tell him what happened. I needed to open up. He told me that I was my own healer and left me to face my demons. I have never meditated before but I took endless trips down the abyss of my darkness and back. I have friends and they would be more than happy to listen but what good would it do when I knew that he was right – I am my own healer. No one could help me …. ever!

I switched off all the lights. Everything was on mute. I stretched on the sofa, and as I looked at the ceiling my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could see my hand reaching out to me in the black bubble. I took a deep breath and dove into the darkness within me. Waves of anger and sorrow took turns tossing and turning me. I fell off the sofa. I was stuck between the sofa and the wooden table in the center of my living room. My back was to the sofa. My feet were on the carpet. My knees were against the wooden table. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.

I am a toilet.

The ocean scent of the freshener, the little bubbles of blue water, the spotless clean porcelain, and luminous reflections on the oval seat – I am a beige toilet. A dark shadow hung over me like a ghost from the past. It came closer until I could no longer see the light. An Ass. Shit. More shit. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. No! No! Don't throw toilet paper! No! No! Don't clog me! Oh No! Please don't throw the cigarette. What now?! A fountain of pee – he peed all over me. I was crying lest my tears flush away the stains. I reached out for the flush. I flushed. It's still there. I was sobbing as I flushed again. The cigarette butt was turning into some spongy material … then I flushed … The toilet paper softened until it melted in my gutters – and I flushed – In the abyss of my darkness I flushed loads of shit, pee, paper, and cigarette butts. Fresh water … new bubbles … the pee was gone.

I opened my eyes. My legs hurt and I needed to stretch out of the toilet. I felt a bit better but I knew that my trip was not over. I lay on the carpet looking at the ceiling in the darkness. I closed my eyes and began feeling the velvet plush of its surface when my fingers suddenly felt a cold sticky pile move underneath my hand. Worms. I could see them; fat black sickle-shaped disgusting creatures crawling all over me. I tried to move but I was paralyzed. I wanted to scream but my lips were glued to one another. I wanted to push them away but my hands were stitched to the carpet. I was crucified. I could not even cry. I took little breaths for fear of sucking the worms into my system. I was gasping for air. I could have snapped out of it but I was intent on continuing the trip. I wanted to hit rock bottom. I wanted the anger to go away.

Light. A little light coming from the doorway. Here I am looking so wise and so content and there I was on the carpet buried in worms and decay. I watched myself walk past my corpse towards the terrace; I pulled the curtains to the side, opened the window, and let the sunlight fill the room. I know those rainbow drops. I have seen them before. The sun blew me a kiss. I kneeled over myself and my light embraced my darkness. The worms vanished. The pain vanished. The anger vanished. I hugged the inside of me. I am healed.

Flush! One more time! Flush! Get out of my system! Flush! I looked at the sky and welcomed a new beginning. On the floor I rested my exhausted body as I watched leaves grow on my barren trees outside. Colorful flowers blossomed where winter left its cruel print. I wore a necklace of beaded Jasmine and let its scent fill my lungs – I miss my grandfather. I turned to the side and opened my eyes. My trip came to an end. Two wide green eyes and a furry face were staring back at me. I could swear I saw him smile. I smiled back and hugged his warm unconditional love.

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