I’m a strong Woman god dammit!!!!!!!!!!

Date posted: October 1, 2010


Dear Marwa,

im finding it hard to write as i dont share my feelings that much, n this will be my first time taking advice regarding the issue im going to tell u about.

im 27 years old, strong, independent, free minded woman. i dont talk or share that much because i express myself through art which im proud to say is very controversial (nudity) 🙂

i had a bad childhood, making life decisions from a very young age, absent father, numb mother, sexual abuse.

at 19 i decided to end this crap n left to another country for college. i met a guy whom i loved madly. we were so similar in our way of thinking, and loved me in a way i never knew existed. 

my redlines in a relationship are beating and cheating. we stayed together for 4 years, in the 2nd year he started beating me. when it first happened i was shocked as i didnt expect it from him n i promised myself not to end up like my mom. im a strong independent woman marwa!!!! this shouldnt have happened with me!!!! 

the beating continued, he apologized, promised not to do it again, i forgave. n it happened again n again n again. i hit back, yelled, cursed, left the house. but came back in the end. i hated myself, stopped feeling like a woman, tried to kill myself.

i admit i was stupid..we got married in-spite of my parents disapproval. we loved each other extremely, extreme love, extreme hate. n the problems continued n got bigger n worse after marriage. 3rd year of marriage we became distant, i kept trying to make things better, talking to him, telling him that we need to talk. we didnt give each other attention. i had alot of anger in me because he humiliated me all those years.

i got tired…after trying and trying without getting any response. i found attention elsewhere n cheated on him. i did something against my principles as a human being just because i needed attention n maybe deep inside i wanted to hurt him. 

i told him about the cheating n left him… 

marwa im scared of being alone, scared because i live in a foreign country, knowing that i built my life n career here.

im a good person, hes a good person, we both crossed the redline. we still love each other, but love a lone is not enough. so many things happened that was against my principles as a human being. i know i did the right thing, tell me what u think plz n sorry for writing that much.

p.s. plz dont post my name in case you posted my story.

thanks dear

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Hello there:)
 
You are certainly a strong and independent woman … I admire you .. I admire your courage big time:)
 
Before I talk about your relationship with your ex, I want to talk about your relationship with your mom.
 
There is a pattern in most unhealthy mother-daughter relationships that ends up with the destruction of the daughter. I will elaborate with an example; let's assume that we have a mother who is viewed by her daughter as weak, passive, and messed-up. The irony of this pattern is that the daughter will turn out exactly like her mother – weak, passive, and messed-up.
 
The daughter spends her childhood, teen years, and most of her adulthood resenting the mother for those traits only to find out later on that she is exactly like her mother and she ends up making the same mistakes.
 
More examples include:
 
Mother used to physically abuse the daughter, daughter resents it all her life, daughter gives birth to a girl, and then she begins abusing her the same way her mother abused her.
 
Mother had a horrible taste in men, daughter resents it all her life, daughter grows up and starts dating, and all her choices in men are as horrible as her mother's.
 
It is a vicious cycle!
 
The only way this cycle is broken is through cognitive therapy where all your beliefs and attitudes are tested, all your anger is reconciled, all your issues are resolved, and you let go of the demons that haunt you.
 
In your case, you need to start by understanding why your mom is the way she is, give her excuses, put yourself in her shoes, and try to find justifications for her behavior in a way that will lead you to forgive her instead of judging and resenting her.
 
Then you need to examine your self-image, and understand why you behave the way you do. Why did you fall for a man who is capable of beating you up? Why did you subconsciously step into your mom's shoes?
 
You will realize that you turned your worst nightmare into a reality through your thoughts.
 
Examples:
 
I will never cheat – you end up cheating
I am afraid of failing – you end up failing
I will end up alone – you end up alone
He will leave me – he does leave you
He will beat me up – he does beat you up
 
The way to reverse this is by changing what you feed your mind
 
I am a loyal person – you become loyal
I am successful – you become successful
I am surrounded by great people – you attract great people in your life
I will find love – you do find love
He needs me in his life – He stays with you forever
He respects me – He will respect you
 
Applying this to your case, you kept saying to yourself that you do not want to be like your mom … so you ended up exactly like your mom. You kept thinking of physical abuse and betrayal and this is exactly what you got. You kept saying that you do not want a man who is like your father and this is exactly who you got married to.
 
You also said that you are a strong independent woman … and this is exactly who you are:)
 
My advice would be
 
1) Reconcile your issues with your mom towards acceptance and forgiveness.
2) Revisit your attitudes and beliefs and get rid of negative thoughts like the examples above, and replace them by positive happy thoughts.
3) Feed your mind on happy thoughts for your thoughts become your reality
4) Let go of your previous relationship … your ex is an ex .. it is over. Too much damage, negativity, and demons haunt this relationship.
5) Fix your self image (again by positive reinforcement)
 
And only then you will manage to attract a great guy and lead a happy life in a happy relationship.
 
If you cannot pull this through on your own, you can read more about cognitive therapy and positive reinforcement. If that does not work, seek the help of a therapist or a life coach.
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