CAMPUS MAGAZINE: PREGNANT … I AM PREGNANT!
Date posted: November 12, 2010
PUBLISHED IN CAMPUS MAGAZINE – NOVEMBER 2010
PREGNANT … I AM PREGNANT!
February 2005: I found out that I was ill; best case scenario was that I could not have kids and worst case scenario was that I was dying of cancer.
March 2005: My first article was published … and I never stopped writing since then.
May 2005: I taught my first class at the AUC … and I never stopped teaching since then.
December 2005: I made it to my first training … and I have been a trainer since then.
October 2005: I wrote this (published in Egypt’s Insight)
I was lying on the white bed as my eyes moved back and forth between the monitor and his face. He was so quiet and tense and I could not understand anything from the images on the screen next to me; I have never seen the inside of my body before but from the look on his face, the doctor was not very pleased with what he saw. I summoned my courage and I asked in a faint voice what was wrong, but he replied vaguely that something was not right. He asked me a long list of questions inquiring about things that I did, felt, saw, and wanted, then he handed me a long list of tests to be done, and asked me to come back in a month with the results. I looked him in the eye and asked if it was cancer, he looked away and said maybe. I left the clinic with an odd mixture of feelings that ranged from absolute numbness to a merry-go-round of fear, anger, and warmth; I wanted to go home and hug my cats, call my friends, hit all my exes, hide in the closet, and finally, I just wanted to cry.
After the initial shock, I decided to pull myself together and to think of how to deal with what the doctor told me. In my very systematic head I began a thorough analysis of the situation where I eliminated, weighed, and accepted options. I made up my mind not to tell anyone, not to take the tests, and not to think of death. I decided to look at the bright side of this dark scenario and I chose to look at this as a wakeup call not as a death bell. We are all going to die – there is no surprise here – but how we lived our lives is what will determine how we will feel about death. One thought led to the other and I found the missing part of the puzzle; the thought of dying did not bother me but the thought of dying as though I never lived drove me crazy. I wanted to leave a legacy; to make a difference; to have some sort of an impact. Suddenly the anger and the fear that I felt earlier were gone and I was full of warmth; I was driven by a strong urge to share and to give.
The easy part was on the professional level; I decided to share my experience with young minds that are hungry for knowledge. I will leave a clear print on their present and future, and that alone gave me an immediate sense of satisfaction and a "raison d'etre". I knocked the right doors, said the right words, and got the right assignments to help me build my legacy. I built bridges of trust and respect that went beyond a classroom or a workshop. So whether I lived a day, a decade, or a century I will know that I affected so many lives, touched many hearts, and shaped many minds. I know now that with my little words I made a big difference and my existence matters, will matter, and will have once mattered.
January 2007: My first TV appearance on OTV
January 2008: My first published book
June 2008: My first Arabic radio show on Horytna.net and my first English radio show on Nile FM
From March 2005 until July 2010, I have successfully killed every little notion of motherhood inside of me; I have programmed my mind to overlook anything that is related to babies starting from articles on the internet, to books, toys, and maternity shops. I have consciously stopped myself from holding my nieces until they were at least one year old for fear of awakening the motherhood monster that I have sedated. I made peace with the two scenarios – being barren and cancer – and moved on with my life.
I always felt depressed, tired, sleepy, numb in the head, feverish, and nauseated. I cried for no reason and developed a weird sense of aversion towards my husband and other men – I just could not stand him! I cancelled all my outings, relationship counseling appointments, work opportunities, and missed all my friends’ birthdays. I just wanted to stay home, cry, and sleep. My inbox filled up with unread emails from people seeking advice. I have a long queue of unpublished books. I just cannot function properly.
I thought it was the cancer! I thought that it was the end! A part of me suspected that I was pregnant but I pushed the thought away for fear of awakening the monster.
August 31, 2010: I found out that I was pregnant! Instead of the cysts and tumors that I saw five years ago, I saw a pulsing fetus on the same screen! I saw my baby! I still cry every time I remember seeing that little bean throb inside my uterus.
My dear baby, please hold on to me! Please hang in there! Please do not let go!