Ask Marwa: First Date Disasters
Date posted: December 8, 2010
PUBLISHED IN IDENTITY MAGAZINE – NOVEMBER 2010
I am a 31 year old Egyptian girl who has been working for more than 10 years. I got engaged twice; the first time, I was too young and I got engaged again when I was 29. He was emotionally abusive and he enjoyed making me feel old and inferior. After a year and half of suffering I called off the wedding.
It ended but I was totally devastated. I was 30 at that time feeling useless. I come from a broken family; my dad and mom got divorced when I was a teenager after a long history of physical and emotional abuse.
A year passed after I broke off my last engagement and now things are a bit better. One day I was casually out with my friends and I met that guy, or let me say a man, tall, handsome and above all an outstanding figure in our society and towards the end of the evening he asked for my number.
This man is in his early 40`s and divorced with no kids, but very grounded and very articulate and does not look like someone who flirts around, or at least this is how I see him. A week passed after this outing and I found a phone call from him checking on me and he surprised me by asking me out for dinner or whatever I see suitable.
I was thrilled like a teenager and I said sure lets meet. We met a spent the whole evening together doing different things. I was stunned how calm and less talkative he was that day, that much I asked him if I am the one who is boring he said " no dear I am just waiting for you to talk", when I started talking I found myself talking about crap, my ex and my ruined emotions after, then he opened up, talking about his divorce experience and the couple of girl friends he dated and his regrets that he could have endured more and may be things has changed!!
Then silence came between us as a heavy visitor and the silence lasted! He asked me if I wanted to leave and we did. He drove me back to my car, and I went home wondering what he might be thinking now, what was the real reason behind this evening, was he bored and wanted a company or he does like me and wanted to know me more. I was in a ridiculous dilemma.
At 3 am I found him calling checking that I am home safe and sound and he was so nice, I thanked him for the evening and I asked if he enjoyed it as much as I do, the answer was very illusive.
We met again in another outing and he was cold, distant, and it seemed as if we never went out or talked. I really don’t know where I stand; should I take the coming step and call, or just leave him till he does so?
Your first date was a disaster!
From now onwards “ya habibti” never ever talk about such gloomy serious depressing topics on a first date! Not even on a second date! From now on the first TEN dates are all fun and light.
Why did you strip naked like that on the first date? Yes, naked is not just physical; naked is mental and emotional as well.
And when he opened up and talked about his baggage … you turned from his date into a friend/shrink. You are no longer that intriguing woman whom he wants to court and win her heart.
The fun, the sparks, the excitement is gone! This is why he was distant when you met again. He looks at you and remembers your scars. When you love someone, you love their scars but when you barely know them, the scars disgust you!
I want you to stop thinking about him and do not approach him. Do not call him, do not plan outings, do not make yourself available by any means.
If you meet again by chance, I want you to be funny, happy, lively, bubbly, and oozing with positivity. I do not want you to have a sad puppy face or sad puppy eyes and no guilt trips of any sort! No blame!