Dear MAN … I need my space
Date posted: August 1, 2008
I need my space.
Why is it so hard to breathe when you are around?
Why is it impossible to express myself in your presence?
What is it about you that is so inhibiting?
What is it that you do that is so suffocating?
I lose the person that I am to become the person you want me to be.
I ignore the needs that I have to satisfy the needs you have created for me
I cannot breathe;
I am gasping for air;
Please go away;
I beg you … stop invading my space.
When I let you in my life I did not know that I was planting a poisoned ivy that would grow on my body, parasite on my blood, feed on my soul, and eat away my space. When you call me, your words intoxicate my essence and leave me in tears and sobs. When you touch me, your claws dig deep inside of me and leave me scarred and bruised. When you look at me, your eyes deny me the right to have eyes of my own as though I am destined to see through your eyes. When you listen to me, you demand to listen to your own echo … why do I have to be your shadow?
When I look at you I realize that I have contracted a malignant tumor in my life; it gets more painful and more dangerous by the minute … and in the name of love I am not allowed to have it removed. I signed a deal with a clingy devil and lost the vanquishing spell … how do I get rid of you. You are a stalker … I fear you. You call me a dozen times to keep me on a leash. My legs are chained to yours and I cannot set foot anywhere without you following me and if I dare open my mouth and attempt to talk, you pin me down with a firm gaze and words drown in my fear. I sit there and watch you watching me … then I cry.
Is there a way out? Can I break free? Will you please cut me loose? I am too weak to leave and you are too possessive and too stubborn to let go. I have contemplated murdering you but I know that you have damaged me way beyond your physical presence. I thought about faking my own death, moving to another country, and starting anew but you are inside of me pinching my soul and hushing my voice when no one is looking. You say that you love me … why don't I feel loved?
I need space to love you … time to miss you … and reasons to want you. I need room to be myself … strength to free myself … and fresh air to heal my asphyxiated self. I want a playground that is mine alone where I could run and fall and get back on my knees without you lurking in the dark corner like a crow. I want to have friends of my own and outings alone. I am tired of reporting my every move and every thought to you. Do you understand why and how much I want you gone?
Dear MAN … my dear MAN … Right now
I want to scream without you telling me how loud.
I want to laugh without you telling me how low.
I want to run without you telling me how far.
I want to sin without you telling me how wrong.
I want to love without you telling me how deep.
I want to fly without you telling me how high.
I want to cry without you telling me how long.
I want to be me without you telling me in what form.