Ask Marwa: Fling Lady
Date posted: June 15, 2011
I’m a cheater. Yes, I’m and I’m admitting it, I really regret it and I’m so riddled with guilt, but I just can’t stop. It's like I'm having a nightmare, but I just can't wake up, I can't make it stop or go away. I do love my husband but I am not in love with him. I’m married for eight years now and I have two amazing kids. I was happily married for the first 5 years; I was a very faithful wife and I never though of any man other then my husband… until my husband had a great job offer in an African country and he had to leave us. He comes every few months and I go visit him sometimes, but still I miss the man figure in my life. Since he left, I just can’t stand living on my own. I started several relationships with other men, and if are wondering how far does these relationships go… yes, it’s sexual! However, I never had a steady relationship with any man since my husband left, they are just flings, but I’m enjoying it. I’m not sure who is to blame here my husband or I. Am I to be blamed that I found myself lonely in this world? I’m to be blamed that my husband is selfish and he gave up our stable life just for a job promotion or a raise? I’m 30 years old and I need a man in my life and I can’t rely on a man who visits me occasionally on vacations, I really get weak when other men fulfill the gap I'm living in. I tried to talk with him several times to convince him to come back, but he always refuses, convincing me that this is all for our sake, however I don’t believe so because this job really ruined the perfect life we were living in. I even sometimes think that he might be cheating too; he can’t be staying all this time by himself. If so, then we are equal and no one is worse then the other. Please help what I should do? Leaving him is not an option because he’s the father of my kids and I still have feelings for him and at the same time I can’t give up my flings!
Dear Fling Lady
I do not see the problem! I read your email several times and I still failed to identify your problem. They way I see it is that you have a husband that you love, kids that you adore, a steady stable life, and no-strings-attached flings that keep your life spiced up. You do not want to leave your husband and you do not want to stop having affairs. So where is the problem? What is bothering you?
I guess you were expecting a different answer from me. Maybe you hoped that I would give you a long lecture about morality and fidelity. Did you want me to crucify you? Did you wish that I would flog you or stone you to death with my words? Did you want me to call you names and get on my pulpit and start preaching at you? Well, I am the wrong person!
Each one of us has their own code of ethics and belief system. We are all entitled to make choices and to bear the consequences. This is exactly what you did! You chose to stay in a marriage that was not satisfying you and you chose to fill the gaps by having extramarital relationships. Your husband also chose financial stability and career development over his young wife and kids.
I also did not sense guilt and remorse in your words. You are enjoying being married and single at the same time. Look yourself in the mirror and find out what you truly wanted me to advise you to do … and follow that advice.