Ask Marwa: How do I win him back?

Date posted: March 11, 2013


Identity Feb

Published in Identity Magazine – February 2013

Dear Marwa…

I have just recently put myself in one of these “If only I could turn back the hands of time, I wouldn’t have…” situations, and this is how the story goes.

 Let me start with admitting that I have without a doubt made a terrible mistake, and in the process hurt someone I truly love. I have been dating a man for almost 2 months now and I know it doesn't sound long enough to utter the word love, but prior to going ahead with starting a relationship we were fairly good friends throughout the years. Anyway, I will get straight to the point, I went out for a few drinks with an ex, and though I know he was upset when I told him my plans that day I still went on with them. Now that I have crossed that red line I lost him as my man the day after and I totally understand since he already has trust issues. I don't know what was I thinking but all I know is that I can't stop thinking about my action and the consequences that led me to turning to you for advice on how I can fix this mess I have put my self in.

Anonymous

Dear Anon

I will divide my reply to two parts; the first part addresses your man and the second part will be directed at you.

We all have trust issues but how deep those issues would impact our relationships is another ballgame! Is your man against you going on a casual outing with your ex? Why? What is so unnerving about you having a few drinks with a guy from the past? Is it about that particular ex? Is it a rule about exes in general? Is it about male friends? Is it about drinks? Is it about one-on-one outings with a man?

Once you have answered those questions you need to have an honest talk with yourself and decide if this "rule" is acceptable or not. You need to decide if you could make such a compromise for the sake of a man you have been involved with for two months or not.  I also want you to know that knowing a person as a friend is totally different form dating that person. When you are friends, you do not have to deal with most of the skeletons in the closet; the insecurities, rejection issues, power struggles, and baggage from the past only surface in a relationship.

As for you, before you start thinking of ways to make it up for your man, you need to ask yourself why you got stubborn and insisted on going out with your ex despite your knowledge of your BF's feelings. Why did you go? Do you still have feelings for that ex? Was there a point you wanted to prove to either men? Did you want your ex to see that you are happy and glowing in a new relationship and that you are so over him? Did you want your BF to know that you are free to come and go as you pleased? Deep down, does that ex still hurt? Deep down, is your new BF a rebound? Look deeper and deeper now and ask yourself, why do you want your BF to stay in your life? Do you truly love him or is it a matter of pride? Are you too proud to be single again? Relationships are so complicated and human nature is even more complex … you have to truly analyze why you do the things you do and why you want the people you want!

If you found out that the ex means nothing and that the BF is the one you really want … meet him, and tell him that you were totally lost and devastated without him, that you accept the rule: NO EXES!, and that you  will never ignore how he feels that way again. You also need to tell him that the two of you are in the beginning of your relationship and that it takes time to set rules and abide by them. Tell him not to let go of you that easily ever again! If he does not take you back, then his insecurities are much more than you could ever handle and be thankful that it was only a couple of months.

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