Ask Marwa: Why would anyone love you if you are incapable of loving yourself?

Published in Identity Magazine – February 2014

Dear Marwa, 

I have dated many guys who seemed to absolutely adore me but I always had a feeling of dissatisfaction. Not because they weren't great but because I always wonder why do they love me? I never feel like I am worthy of their love and attention. So my question for you is, how can I love someone when I don't even feel I deserve their love?

Dear dissatisfied

Let me rephrase your question: Why would anyone love you if you are incapable of loving yourself? The way you feel about yourself is a form of low self esteem. People who have low self esteem either fail to attract the opposite sex, fail to maintain the attention and initial attraction of the opposite sex, or succeed in attracting one wrong partner after the other because deep down they do not feel worthy enough of love and happiness.

The bright side in your case is that you are aware of your low self esteem; you question why anyone would fall in love with you. Men are attracted to you because, to them, you seem like a nice person worthy of their time and effort. My worries are: some of those men can see through your insecurities and are going to take you for a quick ride, others are going to take you for granted and treat you inappropriately because you will allow it – because you feel that you do not deserve to be loved and respected – , and the really good ones will lose interest in you the moment they realize how you feel about yourself.

Your only way out of this trap is to heal yourself! Make peace with your faults and flaws! Love yourself! There are several ways to do that:

1)      Go to a group of sincere friends and colleagues who know you well enough and ask each one of them to tell you 3 good things about you. The top 5 things that are common between all those people are true and you should believe them.

2)      Write down 5 unique things that you could offer to your partner – things that you think make you special.

3)      Think of three tough situations that you have handled brilliantly and be proud of yourself! Relive those situations and offer yourself the gratitude you deserve.

4)      Think of 5 people you have supported through tough times and think of how lucky they are for having you in their lives.

5)      Write down 5 things that make you successful at work and feel proud of your achievements.

6)      Write down 10 things about yourself that you wish your daughter or your son would inherit from you.

Read those lists over and over until you believe that you deserve to be happy and that it is an honor for any man you desire to be your partner!