If I were to give you a month of my life … what would you do with it?
That was the question that I did not ask when I first laid my eyes on him … and decided to date him! He was on probation and he never knew it. I gave him a month to enjoy me and he wasted it. He thought he had all the time in the world … but I only gave him one month.
On my desktop, I have two sidebar icons: A calendar and a clock. In my head, somewhere in the depths of my twisted brain, I have the same two icons: A biological calendar and a biological clock that count the days from cycle to cycle. This is how I keep track of my months. I choose "the man" in the beginning of my cycle and give him the chance to be my boyfriend until the beginning of the new cycle. If I enjoy his company and I have a good month, his contract is automatically renewed for another month. If I suffer, his contract is terminated immediately. I know it is a weird way of dating but when you are like me, pressed for time, feeling that there is so much to do, thinking that you are not doing enough, and appreciating every minute of just being alive, then you might understand why I have no time for games and unhappy relationships.
I met him a couple of months ago and there was instantaneous chemistry. He works – more or less – in the same field: RELATIONSHIPS. I just want you my dear reader to imagine the kick I got just by imagining two relationship gurus bonding. For a change, I will date a guy who actually knows how relationships work. Before I made my move I watched him from a distance just to make sure that I want to give him my precious month. I could immediately see that we were different in our approach to relationships but that did not stop me; there was a stronger pull that drew me to him. I contacted him and initiated the whole thing. I liked the fact that he made himself available despite his many tasks and responsibilities. We used to go out a lot the first week and I loved listening to him. He was like a hero with a star on his forehead. I saw his potential. I saw how if we joined forces we could do a lot of good to this society.
Less than ten days in the "relationship" I began resenting the fact that I am the sole initiator and driver; if I did not call he would not call, if I did not send an SMS I would receive none from his side, and if I did not suggest going out we would just not meet. I also did not like the fact that he took no interest in my work; I am not expecting an avid follower but at least a minimum level of sharing. He does not read my articles or listen to any of my shows. He did not get my book and he never asked me about my dreams. Those are clear signs that he is just not that into me but I knew he was … I knew he liked me and enjoyed my company. Litmus test: I vocalized my concerns. I clearly stated the above points and told him about my concern that I am throwing myself at him. My pride got in the way of talking about his lack of interest in what I do (blush). He told me that he is quite passive when it came to communication and he explained how things worked even with his family members.
I hoped that he would try to meet me half way … but there was nothing. Time for him did not seem to matter; he gave me the impression that he could drag on for God knows how many years in a relationship that does not move forward; he did not want to move forward and his life came to a standstill. Days, months, and years of his life did not seem to matter to him. It was as though his heart died and now he is using a pacemaker. Someone sucked the life out his soul and left him living like a zombie. I had to choose: play therapist and lose myself into his melancholic soul, or play hide and seek where I am to hide and never to be found. I was angry at myself for throwing away one of my precious months. Here I was … dating a guy who accentuated my sense of isolation. I was unhappy, restless, physically and spiritually in pain, and I prayed for the month to end … I prayed for a shorter cycle … and I got it.
My dear reader, how many days and months did you lose to bad unhappy unhealthy unfulfilling relationships? How many hours did you waste in anticipation of the words that were never said, the things that were never done, or the dreams that never came true? How big of a portion of your life are you giving away to people who should not matter, on things that are of no value, on wishful thinking? Do you think that one month is not enough to start and end a relationship? Do you think that I was too quick to dismiss him? Please think again … one month is a very long time! If you had one month to live how many "I love you", "I miss you", and "I am sorry" statements will you say? How many people will you make sure to see? How many things would you regret not doing? How many months would you wish you have never wasted in vain? Why do we take pride in living our lives as though they were a rehearsal for another lifetime? Why are we boastful of those long relationships that drain us? Is it a moral obligation to suffer? Is it our masochistic streak painting our future in dull colors?
Yes … I will only give you a month and if you do not make the best use out of it, then you do not deserve another day in my life.
