CAMPUS MAGAZINE: Rebound Relationships: Are you on the rebound? Or are you a Rebound?

Date posted: December 1, 2008


Little princess in a terrible mess..
A kingdom alone, but no love to confess..
Dreams of a prince on a tall white horse..
Runs like a spirit by the castle walls..

My oh my, don't you cry, 'cause there's no way I'm stayin'..
I will leave, say "bye bye", I'm going my way..
My oh my, do you wanna say goodbye?

Mystery deep in the royal heart..
Crying at night, I wanna be a part..
Prince, oh prince, are you really sincere?
Bet you one day you're gonna disappear..

I will leave, say "bye bye", I'm going my way..

If you were my king, I would be your queen..
If you were my king, I would be your queen..

My version of Aqua's My Oh My

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I caught myself guilty of a series of rebound relationships and the worst part was that I had no idea that I was rebounding. Here I am emotionally drained and mentally consumed sharing with you my two cents on rebounds. I pulled out all my "rebound files" and put my analytical skills into action.

What is a rebound?
A rebound is a relationship that is supposed to stop, or help you escape, the pain of another relationship – call it a painkiller, a band aid, or a quick fix.

When?
Usually it is right after, or at the very end of, a relationship that went, or is going, belly up. Like taking a pain killer before going to the dentist for fear of toothache after the visit, more vulnerable people start their rebound relationship as a precautionary measure.

Why?
1) A bruised ego
If you feel that you have been dumped or rejected, the ideal solution would be to embark on another relationship to prove to your ex, and to yourself, that you are desirable and that one man's poison is another man's gain.

2) Sense of failure
Whether it was you who ended the relationship or you were forced out of it, there is a sense of loss and failure to go with a breakup. In banking terms, you have invested time, effort, and sometimes money, your emotional credit is depleted, and you owe the whole world an explanation. To overcome this sense of failure, many of us try to prove immediately that they "can do it" – yes I can get in a relationship and stay there! Yes I have what it takes to make it work!

3) Stubbornness
Here comes the ego again but this time it is to tell the world: "I do not care!" "I never cared!" "I am so over it!" "It has been over a long time ago!"

4) Pain
You are in pain and you do not know how to deal with it; you cry but it does not go away, you do sports, party like a maniac, take classes, drive all night, sleep all day, work like there is no tomorrow but the void is still there and the pain is sucking you into a bottomless pit. You need to be taken care of … you need someone to heal you!

5) Fear
Fear of letting go of your dreams, of facing your faults and flaws, of being single, of being lonely, of answering questions, or of your ex moving on with their lives before you do.

Are you on the rebound?

1) Are you reluctant when it comes to putting effort, or expressing your feelings, in the relationship?
2) Are you mostly on the receiving end?
3) Do you have sudden mood swings?
4) Do you feel lost, sad, down, or confused?
5) Do you think of your ex?
6) Do you wish to run into your ex when you are with your current partner?
7) Do you feel that something is wrong with you?
8) Do you want to cry, or feel angry, every time your partner says or does something nice?
9) Do you feel that things are too good to be true?
10) Do you feel that you are going too fast?

If the answer to most of those questions is yes, then yes, you are not in a real relationship.

Are you someone's rebound? (Being rebounded upon)

1) Is your partner fresh out of a relationship?
2) Was that relationship intense?
3) Was that relationship long?
4) What was the level of commitment? Flirting? Dating? Officially together? Engaged? Married? Kids? – The more serious the commitment, or the more intense and the longer the relationship, the higher the probability of you being a rebound.
5) Do you feel that your partner is emotionally or physically unavailable?
6) Does your partner have extreme mood swings?
7) Do you feel that one day you are on top of the world and the next day you are sick with misery?
8) Do you have a feeling of uncertainty when you call your partner? Is he/she going to pick up?
9) Do you feel that your needs are not met and that your partner is taking you for granted?
10) Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells all the time?

If the answer is yes, then you are the band aid; by all means this is not how you should feel in the beginning of a relationship.

What now?

If you identified yourself to be in a rebound relationship, you have to end it. Whether you are the one who is on the rebound or the one who is being rebounded upon, this relationship will not do you any good. On the one hand, using someone as a cushion is not fair unless you told them. They have to know that this is not a happily ever after relationship and it is up to them to accept or refuse the deal. On the other hand, allowing someone to use you to get over, tease, or get even with someone is not fair for yourself. Have pride and leave before your self esteem is shattered.

What do I do with the pain?

1) Allow yourself to grieve then let go.
2) New friends, hobbies…etc.
3) Shopping, chocolate, comfort food…etc.
4) Get a cat, dog, or any pet for emotional support.
5) If all does not work, have a safe rebound.

What is a safe rebound?

Choose one of your exes who has turned into a friend and let them be your rebound relationship. The safety factor comes from the following facts:

1) Being an ex means they know how to comfort/ please you.
2) Being a friend means they will understand and will happily do it.
3) Being an ex means that something was wrong with them or you or the relationship and that was why it ended; so the two of you are safe from falling in love allover again.
4) Being a friend means that you both overcame the feelings and now you can just enjoy the comfort and familiarity.
5) Sometimes this is referred to as friends with benefits – the choice of benefits is up to you!

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