{"id":11722,"date":"2019-12-01T02:42:32","date_gmt":"2019-12-01T00:42:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=11722"},"modified":"2023-03-18T02:45:20","modified_gmt":"2023-03-18T00:45:20","slug":"ask-marwa-choosing-a-bad-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=11722","title":{"rendered":"Ask Marwa: Choosing a BAD Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"<pre><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?ssl=1\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" data-attachment-id=\"11642\" data-permalink=\"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?attachment_id=11642\" data-orig-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?fit=1448%2C2048&amp;ssl=1\" data-orig-size=\"1448,2048\" data-comments-opened=\"0\" data-image-meta=\"{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;0&quot;}\" data-image-title=\"Identity Magazine &amp;#8211; Marwa Rakha &amp;#8211; Dec 2019\" data-image-description=\"\" data-image-caption=\"\" data-large-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?fit=724%2C1024&amp;ssl=1\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-11642\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?resize=800%2C1131&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"1131\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?w=1448&amp;ssl=1 1448w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?resize=212%2C300&amp;ssl=1 212w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?resize=724%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 724w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?resize=768%2C1086&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Identity-Magazine-Marwa-Rakha-Dec-2019.jpg?resize=1086%2C1536&amp;ssl=1 1086w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/a>\r\nRaise your hand if you\u2019ve ever been in a relationship with someone who not only wasn\u2019t a good fit, they were downright bad for you. Keep your hand up if you find yourself pursuing this same kind of person over and over again!\r\n\r\nSo often we find ourselves pursuing people who aren\u2019t right for us, continuing a cycle that can sometimes last year or even a lifetime. A new relationship may feel right initially, but that charismatic charmer soon reveals themselves to be yet another emotionally unavailable partner. We don\u2019t even see it coming, and we keep doing it over and over. We reached out to our relationship expert Marwa Rakha to help us figure why do we keep going for people who are bad for us.\r\n\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Is it true that what shapes who we choose as a romantic partner is our relationships with our primary caretakers as kids?<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Yes! This is entirely true. The first three years of our lives shape - almost all of - our personality. Moreover, the care, love, and attention we receive during these years define our self-esteem and self-worth as adults.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">An infant who is left to cry until he\/she stops, or who is denied his\/her need for physical touch, hugs, kisses, and being held \u2013 that infant learns at such an early age that he\/she is not worthy of love.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">As for our primary caretakers, they act as a mirror in the infant\u2019s or toddler\u2019s life. A baby scans its mother\u2019s face and internalizes that results. Frowns, lethargy, apathy, and boredom are all translated into disapproval of its existence.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">As if this was not agonizing enough, this experience with the primary caregiver, in most times, the mother, sets the tone of that baby\u2019s future relationships. It will grow into a person who chooses friends and partners that treat him\/her, the same way he was treated as an infant.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">It is as though, the emotions he\/she felt in the very early years become his\/her emotional comfort zone.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Children who are loved unconditionally, and whose needs are met consistently, grow up to choose partners and friends who treat them with the same kind of respect.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Are we unconsciously searching for somebody who has a conglomeration of negative and positive traits of the caretakers from our childhood?<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">If you observe people around you, you will realize that a girl who grew up in a house full of domestic violence, ends up in relationships where she is subjected to violence and abuse. Although she hated how her father abused her mother, she is still attracted to a man who is as disrespectful and abusive as her father.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">A boy who has been denied secure attachment with his mother as an infant and child, grows up to chase after women who are either out of his league, or who simply reject him. Although, he was originally looking for the love he was denied, yet, he looks for it with women who will neglect his feelings the same way his mother did.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">There is another side to that coin! The parents who set a high benchmark for future partners in their son\u2019s or daughter\u2019s life.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">The sad truth is: there are so many broken homes out there and most likely a person with a healthy and happy childhood well end up in a relationship with someone with a miserable childhood.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Most of the time, the healthy happy person is trying to rescue that sad miserable partner \u2013 and in the process, he\/she ends up being used and abused.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Is it true people are drawn to whatever they are familiar with, and they end up replicating the same patterns they experienced in their earliest relationships?<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Other than childhood experiences, there is another factor at play when shaping our relationship patterns. Our earliest relationships decide how we choose our future partners.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">For example, a teen girl falls in love with a handsome well-built jerk. She is trapped in the hot-cold rollercoaster. She is addicted to the thrill of chasing after him and the rush of adrenaline she gets when he pays her attention. After several months or year, he leaves her, or she leaves him. Then she starts dating someone who treats her just as badly.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Why?<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Because she has been made to believe that this is love and that this is the way relationships should be. If the relationship is not full of pain, anguish, wondering, and insecurity, then the man must be \u201cjust a friend\u201d.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">If yes, how to stop the cycle?<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">There are two parallel lines to walk when trying to end that cycle; first, awareness. Second, psychotherapy.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Being aware of the reasons behind the choices that cause us pain and misery is half of the way. To reach that level of awareness, a person needs to know and confront their infancy and childhood traumas, try to forgive their caregivers, and work on building new positive affirmations.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\">Also, one needs to examine previous relationships and consciously realize how and why they were wrong for us. Then a psychotherapist will help talk you out of the negative pattern and guide you through new relationships.<\/span><\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being aware of the reasons behind the choices that cause us pain and misery is half of the way. To reach that level of awareness, a person needs to know and confront their infancy and childhood traumas, try to forgive their caregivers, and work on building new positive affirmations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_eb_attr":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1,16],"tags":[1453,55],"class_list":["post-11722","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","category-identity-magazine","tag-ask-marwa","tag-identity-magazine-2"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v28.5 (Yoast SEO v28.6) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Marwa Rakha | Ask Marwa: Choosing a BAD Partner<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u0645\u0648\u0642\u0639 \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627 \u064a\u0642\u062f\u0645 \u0644\u0643\u0645 \u062b\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0645\u0646 \u0627\u0644\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a \u0648\u0627\u0644\u0641\u064a\u062f\u064a\u0648\u0647\u0627\u062a \u0627\u0644\u0645\u062c\u0627\u0646\u064a\u0629 \u0639\u0646 \u062a\u0631\u0628\u064a\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u0627\u0637\u0641\u0627\u0644 \u0648\u0641\u0644\u0633\u0641\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u0645\u0648\u0646\u062a\u064a\u0633\u0648\u0631\u064a \u0648\u0627\u0644\u0639\u0644\u0627\u0642\u0627\u062a \u0627\u0644\u0639\u0627\u0637\u0641\u064a\u0629 \u0648\u0627\u0644\u062d\u064a\u0627\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u0635\u062d\u064a\u0629.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, 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\u0645\u0627\u0631\u064a\u0627 \u0645\u0648\u0646\u062a\u064a\u0633\u0648\u0631\u064a\u201d \u0639\u0646 \u0627\u0644\u0637\u0641\u0644 \u0648\u0627\u0644\u0628\u064a\u0626\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u063a\u0646\u064a\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u062a\u064a \u064a\u062d\u062a\u0627\u062c\u0647\u0627 \u0644\u064a\u0646\u0645\u0648 \u0648\u064a\u0632\u062f\u0647\u0631. \u062a\u0644\u062a \u0627\u0644\u0642\u0631\u0627\u0621\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u062d\u0631\u0629 \u062f\u0631\u0627\u0633\u0629 \u0645\u062a\u0639\u0645\u0642\u0629 \u0644\u0644\u0641\u0644\u0633\u0641\u0629 \u0648\u0627\u0644\u0645\u0646\u0647\u062c \u0645\u0639 \u0645\u0631\u0643\u0632 \u201c\u0623\u0645\u0631\u064a\u0643\u0627 \u0627\u0644\u0634\u0645\u0627\u0644\u064a\u0629 \u0644\u0644\u0645\u0648\u0646\u062a\u064a\u0633\u0648\u0631\u064a\u201d\u060cNorth American Montessori Center.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.marwarakha.com","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/MarwaRakhaArticles","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/marwarakha\/","http:\/\/eg.linkedin.com\/in\/marwarakha","https:\/\/x.com\/marwarakha","http:\/\/youtube.com\/marwarakha","https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Marwa_Rakha"],"gender":"female","knowsAbout":["Montessori in Egypt","Relationships and Dating","Published author","Health and Wellness after 40"],"knowsLanguage":["English","Arabic"]}]}},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":7893,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=7893","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":0},"title":"Ask Marwa: Addicted to Summer Flings &#8230; Any Cure?","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"September 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"My advice to you is: don\u2019t try to force yourself into a fake sense of readiness for stability and do not pretend to be someone that you are not. Until you are ready, be honest with yourself and your partner from the beginning about your feelings, expectations, and needs. The\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"13925434_1205939312801390_3531526639056905695_o","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/13925434_1205939312801390_3531526639056905695_o-212x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6615,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=6615","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":1},"title":"Ask Marwa: I am SICK of Dating Egyptian Men!","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"April 29, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The bad news is that many of the guys you will meet are victims of typical Egyptian households one way or the other. The way boys are brought up in our culture neither promotes independence nor security. Most of the problems you faced in your previous relationships are the outcome\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"1415154_628480540547273_1671693103_o","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/1415154_628480540547273_1671693103_o-212x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6348,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=6348","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":2},"title":"ASK MARWA: Not All People Are Marriage Material","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"March 1, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"I am a man in my late 20s. My life can be easily be defined as a series of bad relationships; I have this ability to always go for the worst possible option, lately though I\u2019m in this stable relationship with a person who respects and loves me. However, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/419809_10150498849111856_701556855_9281591_38054212_n-210x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6565,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=6565","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":3},"title":"Ask Marwa: My BF is a puppy who shits on the carpet!","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"July 10, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Dear girlfriend of a puppy Men flirt! It is in their genetic composition! Women also flirt \u2026 we all love the attention and the thrill!","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"Identity Magazine July","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/Identity-Magazine-July-212x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":177,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=177","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":4},"title":"Ask Marwa: I left him! I am hurting","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"November 28, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"I know my problem will sound weird to most people but I wish you could understand me. I was in a long-term relationship and it ended. I ended it. I had to end it. Most of your articles that deal with heartache talk to the partner who was dumped and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/07\/pain_1-fin.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7665,"url":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?p=7665","url_meta":{"origin":11722,"position":5},"title":"Ask Marwa: LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE WORLD OF REBOUNDS!","author":"Marwa Rakha - \u0645\u0631\u0648\u0629 \u0631\u062e\u0627","date":"March 28, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Dear Devastated Let me introduce you to the world of rebounds! A rebound is a relationship that is supposed to stop, or help you escape, the pain of another relationship \u2013 call it a painkiller, a band aid, or a quick fix.","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Articles.\u0645\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0627\u062a","link":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"12778890_1101681203227202_7269825510013585328_o","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/marwarakha.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/12778890_1101681203227202_7269825510013585328_o-212x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/peGN7P-334","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11722","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11722"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11722\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11723,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11722\/revisions\/11723"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11722"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11722"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marwarakha.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11722"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}