Ask Marwa: How do I know that my Husband is Cheating on Me?

Published in Identity Magazine – December 2010

Dear Marwa

How do I know if my husband is cheating on me? I do not want to overreact or accuse him when he is innocent. Can you give me guidelines or directions or clues or anything to find out if he is unfaithful?

Wife

_______________________________

Dear Wife,

There are several levels of cheating; mental, emotional, physical, or the three of them in one affair.

1) Mental unfaithfulness means that your husband wishes he was married to someone else. In his head he has an image of this “other woman” that is nothing like you and he fantasizes about her. That woman only exists in his head. She could be a school crush, a college sweetheart, or someone he wanted to get married me but could not – either because she was taken, he was rejected, it did not work out, or his or her family refused the union.

Signs of mental unfaithfulness:

• He is always distracted.
• When he looks at you, he does not seem to see you.
• He does not notice anything about you.
• There is always a blank expressionless look on his face and in his eyes when you look at him.
• He does not look happy.
• You do not feel loved.
• You feel that you are competing with a ghost to win him over.
• Still, there is nothing fishy about his actions.

2) Emotional unfaithfulness means that your husband is in love with another woman. That “other woman” could be a colleague, a client, a friend, or even someone he met online. This woman is more dangerous than the “mental imaginary woman” because she is real; she says things and does things that hypnotize him in her presence.

Signs of emotional unfaithfulness: All the signs of the mental unfaithfulness plus

• He is all doom and gloom when he is talking to you but he is all happy and cheerful with “that” person on the phone.
• He is using passwords everywhere all of a sudden.
• He is spending more time online.
• He goes out more often – alone.
• He has new friends that you have never heard of and you are not allowed to meet.
• He pays more attention to his physique and appearance.
• He is listening to love songs at home, in the car, or on his laptop.
• He is nice to you in a fake way.
• He is giving you less money for the house as usual (he is buying her gifts and taking her out)
• His bank statements (credit cards) reflect money that you have not seen – not in the form of gifts or cash.

3) Physical unfaithfulness involves sex and other physical activities. Your husband is driven towards her by his hormones and basic instincts. He does not have to be in love with her to engage in physical acts. She could be someone he knows or just a casual encounter.

Signs of physical unfaithfulness: The coming signs might be alone or combined with any of the previous signs but mainly, you see evidence!

• You notice a woman’s perfume, hair, lipstick, or love bites on your husband.
• You see explicit messages on his email of phone.
• The car is always super clear or extra messy.
• He seems to have lost interest in you physically.
• You find traces of semen in his underwear.
• He comes home smelling funny (funny as if he just got out of the shower or funny as if he just got out of bed)
• If he is really unlucky he might contract a sexually transmitted disease – and you find out!
• If you are really unlucky, he will pass the STD to you, and you will find out at your doctor’s clinic!

Then you have different depths of cheating; random affairs, fully fledged affair, or, relationship.

A) Random affairs are not planned; they are a matter of opportunity! He met someone at the right time in the right place and the affair was a matter of convenience. It starts and ends with total randomness. You can think of it as a quick fix or a snack on the road. This is the shallowest of all affairs; it means nothing to the man but it is still painful to the wife.

B) Fully fledged affairs can be the development of something that started off as random or not. They take time, effort, and investment from your husband. They involve the wining and dining routines – very similar to the dating phase in any relationship. Fully fledged affairs will consume your husband’s energy, time, and peace of mind.

C) Relationships are a real threat. This means that your husband is on his way to being someone else’s husband. It means that he found everything he was looking for with the “other woman” and that he is on his way out of this marriage – or he will get married to both of you.

Last word:

Before you decide to confront your husband, please be honest with yourself about what you want:

Do you want to confront him, shame him, and then leave him for good?

Do you want to confront him, shame him, and get an apology and promise that he would not do that again – even if you knew that he would be lying?

Do you want to wait and see what happens?

Do you want to try to win him back subtly?

Do you want him to leave the house?

Think of what you will do if he denies it, if he apologizes, if he promises never to do that again, if he admits it in cold blood, or if he tells you that he wants out of this marriage.