From Marwa's Diary – The Caveman
One happy morning I found the famous "Do not Disturb" sign sealing his mind, heart, and tongue. He wanted his space, asked for some time to think, then he wanted to be free again, and finally he wanted to go in his cave! The symptoms of my chronic allergy to caves, cavemen, and do not disturb signs showed on my face, on my body, on my words, on my SMSes, and on my emails … I geared up for war! After exchanging a few angry looks and a handful of accusations my prince charming went into his cave and I waited outside praying for the best yet expecting the worst.
I did not lose sight of the cave for a few weeks. I got a comfortable chair and seated myself at the door waiting for any sign of life from my caveman. When the sitting, the thinking, and the waiting had their toll on my body, mind, and soul, I would hover around the cave, partly to make sure that the caveman is still breathing and partly to make sure that there is no one else breathing inside with him … yes I had my doubts!
Finally, I had pity on my poor soul and I decided to end my misery. With a strong dose of determination, I got on my feet, pushed the chair away, looked at the cave one last time, then I turned my back and left. As I walked away from the cave, I felt like a tree in the fall; I felt my old love leaves falling off, winds of memories blew through the holes in my heart, and with every step I took, the distance between me and the cave grew bigger. I let go!
I left my safe and secure spot in front of his cave and walked back into the jungle. I grew a beard and a moustache instead of my long locks, put on a suit, got a gun, gave my brain a break, replaced my heart with a rock, and I made my grand entrance into the jungle as a man. I became everyman's best buddy. I had a mission; I wanted to know how such creatures think, the way they perceive women, and their decoding of our messages.
My first tour in Tarzan's world focused on his relationship with Jane. When I was in Jane's shoes I was baffled by the sudden deterioration in the curve of the relationship. Why would Tarzan start with so much interest and persistence, then he would contract a sudden relationship atrophy syndrome and turn his coldest shoulder to the same Jane he once pursued with so much adamancy?
Now, being an implanted bug in Tarzan's little head I saw with his eyes, spoke with his tongue, and felt with his senses. Every Tarzan was born a hunter. He hunts for shelter, food, and love. Tarzan would never live in a ready made house, eat a prey that dropped dead at his feet, or get serious with a Jane who is a genie at his command. I saw Janes drooling at the sight of a Tarzan; they seemed to come back to life from the land of the dead once they laid eyes on a potential Tarzan. They shamefully fell for his oldest maneuvers, turned their back on common sense, willingly blinded themselves to his real intentions, and got on a temporary high just to have the blessing of a Tarzan for a few days!
Being a Tarzan in disguise, men handed me their well kept secrets and told me bluntly how a Jane can lose a Tarzan in ten days by making ten fatal mistakes. I took mental notes, wrote in shorthand, and recorded what I could on tape. I knew I had to share this revelation with my fellow Janes.
First mistake: Delete "yes" from your vocabulary. Tarzans get motivated the more they hear you say "no". Let's meet after work, NO! Let's have breakfast, lunch or brunch, or supper or dinner, NO! Let's watch a movie – home or in the movie theatre – NO! Let's spend a few nights in Agami, Sharm, or anywhere on planet Earth, NO! Let's meet every day, NO! Let's hangout every night, NO! But remember too little is just as bad as too much.
Second mistake: For some reason, women tend to think that Tarzans are na?ve – FICTION! Men have a lie detector built in their software. Lie a white lie and he will question your breathing. Lie a colored lie and you lost his trust forever.
Third mistake: Never dump a current Tarzan for a new Tarzan thinking that the newcomer will be flattered. Men share a golden rule that says that if a woman dumps a man for him, she is most likely to dump him for another man. You are just giving him a valid reason to take you for a ride … a quick one!
Fourth mistake: Resist physical intimacy! Men do not understand any of your reasons; feeling close and cozy, attachment and self expression, love at first sight, genuine care, and any other reason you might have are not decodable by Tarzans. All your messages in this area will be translated into one word and its derogative synonyms … EASY! (This rule applies for the first ten hours, days, weeks, and months – if possible!)
Fifth mistake: Enthusiasm … big blunder girls! Curb your enthusiasm. Lock up the thrill in your voice, the spark in your eyes, the pounding of your heart, and the wide smile that brightens your face when you meet or talk to your Tarzan. Let him work for it … they truly like to work hard.
Sixth mistake: Generation after generation men became immune to our natural charms and became allergic to pretence. Ladies, you need to strike a balance between coming across as arrogant, fake, and conceited on the one hand, and being meek, genuine, and clumsy on the other.
Seventh mistake: Don't nag or plague, hunt or haunt, or stalk or chase your new Tarzan. Give him space to miss you, time to show it, and a chance to express it. Men hate leeches and any type of insect with hanging on characteristics. They also dislike whining.
Eighth mistake: Men are not very fond of shadows; shadows can give them a heart attack or an urge to run. Calling him first thing in the morning, on the way to work, when you reach work, and midday, mid noon, and midnight is bad. Showing up at his door step anytime and all the time is not good either. Avoid the classic mistake of being a "thing" in his car, a "thing" in his house, or a "thing" in his life.
Ninth mistake: "He is not my boyfriend yet" read it, write it, and use it every time you feel jealous, possessive, or inquisitive. He is still a free man, and so are you. He owes you nothing, and neither do you.
Tenth mistake: Madonna's Materialistic Girl is out of fashion. Tarzans do not like Janes who love their car, villa, and bank accounts. They abhor being treated as packages of assorted goodies, so if you fail to like a man for who he is, not for what he stands for, then walk away while you still can. Tarzan will spare no effort to humiliate you as a punishment for such a grave offence against his mighty self.