Ask Marwa: Is he hindering my personal growth?

Dear Marwa,

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months now. In all honesty everything was going great. We were really getting along and having a lot of fun together; however, I can't help but notice that he is slowly turning into a control freak. He started to have a lot of reservations about my work and who I talk to. This has been causing a lot of problems between us, and I don't know what to do. On one hand he makes me very happy and he's really caring, but on the other hand I feel like he is limiting my growth and hindering me from pursuing my dream job. What do you think I should do? Is he hindering my personal growth? Should I break up with him?


Dear Worried about Personal Growth

Your complaint is the tip of the iceberg and getting to the root of this problem needs further digging. On the surface, your boyfriend seems controlling but what are the real motives behind his behavior?

1. Jealous of you – as in envious

2. Lacks trust in you

3. Is more experienced than you and truly sees all the pitfalls in your way

If it’s the first, then you are dating an insecure person who is stumbling all the time, cannot get a proper job, is always falling behind, is performing in general below expectations, is lazy, and is not an achiever. If that is the type of person you are dating, then it is totally expected that he would be jealous of you and that he would try to hold you back in the name of love or under any other false pretense.

If it’s the second, then you will notice that his control extends beyond your dream job and career. Does he have a say in what you choose to wear, in who you choose to befriend, in how you carry yourself, in what you choose to say, and in your general demeanor? If yes, then your man likes you, might grow to love you, but he wants to own you. He sees you as someone who has potential for a decent life and he has made it his job to save you from the life of debauchery that you are living. He is acting as a self-righteous savior.

If it is the third, he might have the right intentions but he is turning into a father figure. A father would order you to do something or forbid you from doing another without any further explanation, without room for exploration, and without allowing you space for experimentation because he is older and wiser, and because he loves you and you should trust hi and obey him blindly. If your boyfriend is acting this way, then you have gotten yourself into another father-daughter relationship.

Should you leave him?

This is not an easy decision. Even if you are on the wrong path, you are entitled to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. This is the only way we grow and there is no other way to gain life experience. We must make mistakes and wrong choices to gain depth and inner wisdom!

Before you decide to stay or leave, examine his character further and find out which one of the three types above, your relationship falls into. You can look at the bigger picture and decide if this is the person you would like to date or not, how serious you are about a future with that person, and how involved do you want him to be in your life. The next step would be to talk to him openly about how you feel about him and his interference in your life. Set your limits and see what he has to say.