Ask Marwa: Does She Want Me or Not?

Dear Marwa,

I can’t understand my girlfriend anymore. One moment she says she wants to spend eternity with me, the next she is not sure if she is in the right relationship. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried asking her about what’s bothering her. I stopped doing all the things she said she doesn’t like in me and I try as much as I can to make her happy, but I just don’t feel like she is in the same place with me right now. Should I be concerned that she doesn’t love me or is it just a phase and it’s going to pass? When she’s satisfied with our relationship, she is honestly the best and I really feel that she cares for me. It’s only when she starts to bring up the I’m not sure talk that I become terrified. What do you think? Does she not love me? Isn’t it true that if a person loves you they will never think of being anywhere without their lover in life?

Dear Confused

Any relationship goes through phases and a healthy relationship moves steadily from one phase to the other. As Dr. John Gray puts it, here are the five stages of a relationship:

First: Attraction

This is the heads over heels phase; the love at first sight phase; the butterflies in the stomach phase. This phase could end once you have sex or it could end once you meet someone hotter. It could just end once the initial spark is over.

Second: Uncertainty

This is the “I am not sure” phase; the “is this really it?” phase; the resistance and cold feet phase. Many relationships end here especially if one partner recoils and the other clings on. Some just have an instinctive need to settle down once they feel right in a relationship, and they pass this phase easily. Others have an instinctive need for seeing more options and exploring more of what life has to offer.

Third: Exclusivity

This is the phase when the couple decide to give their relationship a serious shot and they stop dating other people. They are no longer in doubt but they want to make sure. They are getting to know one another slowly but surely.

Fourth: Intimacy

This is not just physical intimacy; this is also emotional intimacy! This is the time when people bare their souls and reveal their dark memories, thoughts, fears, and secrets. This is a time when you feel close and connected; when you feel safe and trusting.

Fifth: Engagement 

This is moving forward towards “until death do us apart”. This is when you start building a future together.

Obviously, your girlfriend in stuck in stage two and you need to back off, give her time and space to think. Avoid being clingy or eager and do not give her ultimatums. Avoid playing the role of the psychoanalyst and stop asking questions about the relationship. Do not try to please her or win her over by trying to be someone you are not. Think of yourself as a log floating on water and just float. Relax and know that whether this relationship ends or moves to the next stage, it is all for the best.

Skipping stages usually sabotages the relationship and mixing up stages causes confusion and emotional chaos. For example, moving from attraction to intimacy will make a person feel obliged and stuck, and at the same time, uncertain and worried. Also moving from stage one to stage three always leaves room for uncertainty to hit during any phase in the relationship. It is wise to go slow and enjoy each stage as it passes by. Arm yourself with acceptance, an open heart, and a free soul. Come what may and as I always say, in this life, there are no regrets only lessons.