Ask Marwa: Can I have a Summer Fling?

Dear Marwa,

Beach holidays are around the corner and I am so excited about finally going to the beach and attending night parties. All that however is leading me to second guess my relationship with my boyfriend. All my life, I've always been free. I'd do what I want without worrying about spending time with a partner and checking in with him every once in a while. I am afraid I am not sure I want to be committed to my boyfriend anymore. I feel like I want to go out, have fun and get a summer fling if I can. Does that mean that I should break up with him? Could it be that I am second-guessing this relationship only because it's the first real commitment I've ever been part of in my life? Please tell me what to do.


Dear Confused,

In the old days, when people wandered in the desert and were at the risk of getting lost, they had no compass and nothing to guide them but the sky. In the morning, they would look at the sun and recognize East and West from where it rises and sets, they find South by walking towards it at noon, and North would simply be walking away from it. At night, the moon’s phase and stars in the sky helped them navigate a long time before a GPS was invented.

Navigating through a relationship is just as confusing as navigating the desert. Just like there are no clear latitude and longitude lines in the desert, there are no clear lines to define boundaries or ethics in relationships. There are no unanimous codes for right and wrong, but there are signs, cues, and natural guides to help you find you True North in a relationship.

It is normal, and healthy, in a relationship, to do some things together and to do other things each on his own. It is up to each couple to decide if summer vacation and beach time is something they want to do together or separately. Both choices are correct as long as both parties feel comfortable about it.

What is not normal is to look forward to a summer fling or to think of that time as putting your commitment on hold. This is a sign that this relationship is certainly going the wrong way.

It is also natural to maintain your freedom in a relationship; you are free means that you are responsible and that you are accountable for your actions. It is not normal to feel that you have to report to your partner or check-in with him the same way you do with your parents, for example.

It is normal to accept that at this point in your relationship, you cannot go on a vacation together. It is not normal to actually look forward to that. It is as though your relationship has become a burdensome duty that you are looking forward to breakaway from.

Is your relationship stressing you out? Do you feel loaded and burdened? Do you feel that you need something else or someone else? Are you bored? Are you not thinking of a future together? These are just a few questions that you need to ask yourself and to share with your partner to decide if you are going in the right direction, navigating through this relationship.

I will not advise you to leave or to stay; I will just ask you to re-evaluate the quality of your relationship and what it truly means to you. If you are committed, why would you think of a fling? If you are committed, why is that commitment weighing on you? Like a wise navigator, I want you to stop and examine the signs and cues to guide you to your True North.