Ask Marwa: Serious Commitment Issues

Dear Marwa,

I’m a 29 years old girl with serious commitment issues.

5 years ago I was engaged after being in a long term relationship for 3 years. The relationship was pretty much great and I was so in love with my partner. But something really awful happened the day of our wedding: I freaked out. I never knew I had commitment issues before the actual day of my wedding. I called it off and up until this moment I don’t know why! All what I was thinking about is that I have to cancel it and I can’t get married at any costs. You can imagine the disappointment of my family, especially my parents, and of course I never heard again from my ex-partner. I know I did something terrible and I wish I could apologize to him but I swear I have no idea why did I do such a thing and from where that kind of behavior came.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years with another amazing guy that I honestly feel I don’t deserve him. He is more than I could ever ask for and I love him greatly. The problem here is that he started to ask me to take official steps, I always try to postpone it but I know that eventually I have to face it. And just to be clear, I’m only afraid of my reaction on my wedding day, not that I’m unsure about how I feel about him. Calling off my first wedding was as shocking to me as it was to anyone around me, so I’m really anxious about how what will I do this time. I really love my partner and I can’t stand the possibility of losing him, or the embarrassment of calling off another wedding.

Please note that my relationship with my parents isn’t that bad, it has its ups and downs like any other relation. And they had problems just like any other couple, but these problems weren’t that severe or catastrophic though.

Dear Phobic

The human psyche is extremely complex and tricky; between defense mechanisms, the dark alleys of childhood, traumas, and phobias, the truth gets lost. Reading your message, I am inclined to say that you do not have a commitment issue. You can actually stay in an exclusive committed relationship for two and three years, and this means that you can commit.

If we exclude family issues and bad role models, based on the last paragraph in your message, then we are left with several other options:

Afraid of Sex

Some girls are afraid of having sex to the extent of getting married and denying their husbands any opportunity to consummate the marriage. Others might call off the wedding or not get to the wedding stage in the first place.

The irrational fear of sex can be traced back to a strict upbringing, religious beliefs, sexual harassment, or other sexual trauma. The fear of sex is not a joke! It is real and it can lead to a medical condition called vaginismus, where the woman’s vagina turns into a concrete wall, and penetration fails. Repetitive failure leads the man to lose erection and, eventually, desire. He becomes on the verge of sexual incompetence.

If this is the case with you, seek professional psychological help.

Afraid of the Wedding

As silly as it might sound, some girls seriously do not want a wedding. A wedding is too much stress, too much attention, and too much focus. These brides, on their wedding day, can only think of all these invitees, who know that on that night, she would be having sex.

The thought of all these people knowing, and probably thinking, of the bride having sex is intimidating to many girls. Instead of focusing on herself and her husband-to-be, she focuses on the invitees, their words, fantasies, and what they would think of her.

If the wedding itself scares you, do not have a wedding.

Has a Deep Dark Secret

Julia Roberts, in Runaway Bride, had a secret; she knew that she was not being true to herself in any of her engagements. She pretended to be someone else all the time. She tried to please her partner by being a copy of who he was. She believed in soulmates that she tried to be a soulmate to every man she fell in love with. She would adopt the same hobbies, same way of cooking her eggs, same favorite this or that, etc.

If you keep making that mistake, you might need a professional to help you get to know yourself, love it, and accept it. Some girls have such low self-esteem that they believe that they have to be someone else to be loved. Some of them manage to lead their lives faking and only the lucky ones are aware of what they are doing, and they seek help.

One of the ways they are seeking help is by doing “unexplainable” things – like calling off their wedding on the same day.

Control Freaks

Only you can tell if you are a control freak or not. Do you like to be the one being in charge? Taking decisions? Driving? Choosing? Leading? Setting rules? Making plans?

If this is the case, you might want to suggest having the right to divorce yourself, and writing more of the rights that would make you feel in control, in the marriage certificate.