Ask Marwa: 15 tips to re-ignite the fire in a long-term relationship

15 tips to re-ignite the fire in a long-term relationship

Are long-term relationships synonymous with boring or dead relationships? The way people use “long-term relationship” in a conversation implies that they are tired, consumed, deserve a break, or even justify a fling or a full-fledged affair.

I googled: “how long is a long-term relationship?” I wanted to know what people consider “long-term”. I was shocked! The first answer was above two year! Two! Yes! Two! I scrolled down a few more responses and found “ten years”. Is that how people nowadays define long-term relationships?

Is that the average longevity of a marriage, for example? Can we say that people expect a marriage to last anything between 2 and 10 years – but that is it? What about those couples who last 15, 20, 30, and 40 years together? How do they do it? What about those who aspire to fulfill the “Until Death Do Us Apart” promise – how does it work?

For starters, I am no expert on long-term relationships in the traditional sense; thus, my rant below is a mixture of observations, logical thinking, wishful thinking, and readings. Let us first agree that whether we are discussing long-term or short-term relationships, no relationship would last without the continuous work and effort of both partners. No one can ignite, or re-ignite, fire in a relationship single-handedly.

The forces that are working for you, as someone who has been in – and survived – a long-term relationship, are: many happy moments, losses, traumas, fights, make-overs, decisions to be taken, and tests and trials. There are the benefits of the aging signs on both your faces and bodies, truly knowing one another, common friends, mutual interests, and a solid motivation to stay together no matter what.

The forces that are working against you are: knowing too much about one another, the loss of the “spark” and connection, too many frustrations and grudges, boredom, living in separate worlds – figuratively or literally – and giving in to the status quo. Many people escape the pains of a long-term relationships by indulging; there are those who indulge in business, partying, gaming, friends and gangs, or flings and exploring new territory.

Avoidance and denial are good strategies when dealing with certain conflicts, but in a marriage, these are the worst strategies. I am about to write down a few ideas to save the long-term ship from floundering but be warned: it takes two to tango! It takes two to re-ignite the fire! None of this advice will work if you try them without the full involvement and commitment of your partner.

Write down and exchange

• a list of the times that you would not have made it through without the love and support of your partner.

• a list of the funny situations that you shared.

• a list of the embarrassing situations that you can laugh about today.

• a list of the surprises he/she made for you.

• a list of the times you got lost on the road and laugh about them.

• a list of the things you still want to do together.

• a list of the things that make your partner special.

• a list of the places you went to together and had a great time.

• new vows and choose the perfect moment to exchange them.

• the things that you plan on changing about yourself because you know that they annoy your partner.

• the things you will continue doing, even if they are exhausting, because they make your partner happy.

• the reason you decided to get married and make sure it is still there.

• an adventure that you would like to try exploring with your partner.

• a list of the things, good things, you wish upon your partner.

• a letter of appreciation and gratitude addressed to yourself.

If you and your partner decide to work on refreshing your long-term relationship, make two copies of my tips and take your time working on them. Please do take your time!

You do not need to exchange your lists all on the same day; you can go as slow as one list per week. Please do not email the lists and do not send them by text messages or voice notes.

Choose a day that is quiet and slow. Choose a place that is private and comfortable. Put some effort in the setting: candles, dinner, music, or just your comfy sofa in the living room.

Approach one another positively and remember to smile. Imagine that one day you will share your lists, letters, and vows with your children and grandchildren. Your journey together is admirable and rare nowadays. Be proud of your achievement, of yourself, and of your partner.