Ask Marwa: Change of Relationship Status

“Change of Status”! Such a scary thought! Change from being married to getting divorced or widowed, from being in a relationship to being single, from being single to getting engaged, from having someone to being alone, or from being alone for such a long time to getting back on the dating arena – these are all “to be dreaded” situations.

If one has gotten used to be single, it is only natural to forget how “things were done”. How and where do people meet up nowadays? What to say and do on a date? Where to go from that first date? The scariest thoughts are all related to intimacy; when and how to kiss or make out or have full intercourse?

Those who were in a long-term relationship are not in a much better position. Sharing your day-to-day life with someone, taking decisions together, arguing, making up, being intimate, snuggling, comfortable silence, having meals together, showing up to parties and events as a couple – these are all addictive feelings and getting used to the opposite is excruciating.

If you are trying to adjust to a “change of status”, the following tips might help:

First: Embrace your feelings; be it anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, restlessness, or confusion, it is okay! It is natural and normal to feel the way you feel even if that change of status was your choice and decision. Avoid pretending that everything is fine when it is not – this is called denial and denial is a hurdle on your path to peace.

Second: Give yourself time to feel confident and balanced again. After the guilt, anger, denial, and finger-pointing that come with the end of a relationship, eventually balance and peace will come into your life – if you allow them. After the loneliness, restlessness, and self-doubt that come with just the thought of dating again, eventually excitement and happiness will follow – only if you take it easy.

Third: Take the slow lane. Whether you are adjusting to being single or getting used to the thought of meeting someone new, do not rush yourself. Uncertainty and relapses are normal. One step forward-two steps backwards are a natural rhythm at the beginning. This is a good time to go about life one day at a time. Do not make any plans or commitments.

Fourth: No expectations. Expectations are the culprit behind disappointments. Curb those expectations when it comes to your ex, if he/she is alive, or your new partner, whether you have met him/her or not, and try to snap out of daydreaming and imaginary scenarios from involving the past or the future.

Fifth: No assumptions. After expectations, assumptions are where most people go wrong when they are getting over someone or getting to know someone. Do not assume that your ex, his/her friends and family, are doing this or that to spite you or hurt you. Do not assume that you will meet your perfect match on that trip or that the person you just met likes you, dislikes you, or is even looking for a steady relationship.

Sixth: Watch out for memories and comparisons. If you are newly single, memories would most likely attack you while you are driving, cooking, or before going to bed. Just be prepared and remind yourself that what is done cannot be undone and shut that door. If you are trying to meet someone new, memories and comparisons will ruin any chances of happiness for you. Each phase of your life is special and will add depth to your character and emotional evolution. Consciously stop that line of thoughts.

Seventh: You do not have to be on top of things. It is advisable for you to relax and go with the flow. Trying to control all the factors and givens would only stress you out. A little mess here and a little chaos there will not do any harm.

Eighth: Give up on perfection. Trying look perfect, act perfectly, have everything in the perfect shape, and find the perfect man or woman is simply stressful. When a person is stressed, they usually make horrible choices and take very wrong decisions.

Nineth: Be true to yourself. You deserve to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for who you are. Your previous partner(s) might have abused you and that is no reason to allow a new partner to treat you inappropriately. If you need help with this step, it would be great to talk to a therapist.

Tenth: Surround yourself by true friends – those friends who would never judge you no matter what happened or what will happen. A true friend would never rub salt in your wounds and would never push you to do anything against your nature.

Last word: whatever you do during that “change of status” phase, do it for the right reasons. Do not do anything because you are hurt, vindictive, bored, lonely, pressured, afraid, angry, worried, eager, or simply because that is how others deal with the end of a relationship or finding a new partner.