Say “NO” … while you still can!

An easy guide to men who are BAD for you … from The Poison Tree, Planted & Grown in Egypt

Mr. Perfect

He was young, tall, dark, handsome, successful, well off, and open-minded. Mr. Perfect was willing to see me even though he knew that I was living on my own, I had a career, I traveled a lot, and I am not the compromising type. Mom was certain that she would get to see me in a wedding gown in no time!

I asked Mr. Perfect if he was the faithful type. The question just flew out of my mouth and it was too late to take it back. All it took from Mr. Not-So-Perfect was a clear audible "NO" as an answer to my question, to bring my green-eyed monster out of its cave. I repeated my question again highlighting the facts that I expected my husband to be loyal; that I liked to play fair and square; that it was a two way street; that from a religious stance, marital infidelity is a big sin that men and women get stoned to death for.

Again I kept getting nonsensical replies from the groom-to-be. Matrimonial devotion did not seem to suit his notions. Of course Mr. Not-So-Perfect had every right to walk away. With his God-given qualities and mouthwatering attributes he could easily land any girl he wanted for a marriage bargain. Why would he bother with me and with my "radical" opinions? Why did he have to justify his actions and keep his promises? He did not need to resist temptation if he knew in advance that he would be forgiven.

The Caveman

In my younger years, I used to take the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign quite well but by time, that went hand in hand with heartache, I developed an allergy to caves, cavemen, and do not disturb signs. Experience taught me that men abuse Dr. Gray's "cave" theory; they use it as an excuse every time they want to end an existing relation, start a new relation, or have overlapping relations. A man in need of space means a man in need of a new hunt; a man on his way to the cave equals a man on his way out of the relation; a man who wants to think is a man who wants to weigh the "new cow" versus the "old cow".

I packed my suit of armor, nails, claws, hooks, and daggers, took a lifetime supply of chocolate, and my favorite relationship survival tactics books, and I hopped on his boat. Every now and then I would look at my stack of self defense mechanisms and laugh … "I really will not need any of my weapons this time … lucky me! I finally found "the different man"!" I thought. One happy morning I found the famous "Do not Disturb" sign sealing his mind, heart, and tongue. He wanted his space and asked for some time to think! After exchanging a few angry looks and a handful of accusations, my newly found man went into his cave and I waited outside praying for the best yet expecting the worst.

Tarzan

Every Tarzan was born a hunter. He hunts for shelter, food, and love. Tarzan would never live in a ready made house, eat a prey that dropped dead at his feet, or get serious with a Jane who is a genie at his command. I saw Janes drooling at the sight of a Tarzan; they seemed to come back to life from the land of the dead once they laid eyes on a potential Tarzan. They shamefully fell for his oldest maneuvers, turned their back on common sense, willingly blinded themselves to his real intentions, and got on a temporary high just to have the blessing of a Tarzan for a few days!

Tarzans get motivated the more they hear you say "no". Let's meet after work, NO! Let's have breakfast, lunch or brunch, or supper or dinner, NO! Let's watch a movie – home or in the movie theatre – NO! Let's spend a few nights in Agami, Sharm, or anywhere on planet Earth, NO! Let's meet every day, NO! Let's hangout every night, NO! But remember too little is just as bad as too much.

Tarzans have a lie detector built in their software. Lie a white lie and he will question your breathing. Lie a colored lie and you lost his trust forever. Never dump a current Tarzan for a new Tarzan thinking that the newcomer will be flattered. Men share a golden rule that says that if a woman dumps a man for him, she is most likely to dump him for another man. You are just giving him a valid reason to take you for a ride … a quick one!

Resist physical intimacy! Men do not understand any of your reasons; feeling close and cozy, attachment and self expression, love at first sight, genuine care, and any other reason you might have are not decodable by Tarzans. All your messages in this area will be translated into one word and its derogative synonyms … EASY! (This rule applies for the first ten hours, days, weeks, and months – if possible!)

Generation after generation Tarzans became immune to our natural charms and became allergic to pretence. Ladies, you need to strike a balance between coming across as arrogant, fake, and conceited on the one hand, and being meek, genuine, and clumsy on the other. Don't nag or plague, hunt or haunt, or stalk or chase your new Tarzan. Give him space to miss you, time to show it, and a chance to express it. Men hate leeches and any type of insect with hanging on characteristics. They also dislike whining.

Tarzans are not very fond of shadows; shadows can give them a heart attack or an urge to run. Calling him first thing in the morning, on the way to work, when you reach work, and midday, mid noon, and midnight is bad. Showing up at his door step anytime and all the time is not good either. Avoid the classic mistake of being a "thing" in his car, a "thing" in his house, or a "thing" in his life.

Tarzans do not like Janes who love their car, villa, and bank accounts. They abhor being treated as packages of assorted goodies, so if you fail to like a man for who he is, not for what he stands for, then walk away while you still can. Tarzan will spare no effort to humiliate you as a punishment for such a grave offence against his mighty self.

Mr. Cool

Egyptian men are caught between what they like and what they want; they like the girls that their minds do not want and they want the girls that their hearts do not like. A typical example of this schizophrenic condition is the single version of the cool guy who is seen in all the trendy hangouts, drinks, dances, flirts, dates, and the sky is the limit when it comes to how far he could go with his adventures. Mr. Cool likes girls who share his wild rides and challenge his hunter instinct; who are exposed, experienced, and expressive.

If it is just dating and having a nice time, Mr. Cool has no problem. But when it comes to the forever word, Mr. Cool takes off his cool mask and in a strict tone describes the girl he wants; traditional, conservative, religious, sheltered, and controllable. But is Mr. Cool willing to alter his lifestyle? Is he willing to become an equal match for the girl he wants? No! No! This is not how this story goes. Mr. Cool will eventually get married to a girl who will not threaten his sense of security; who has no benchmarks to measure his performance, in and out of bed, against; who is just grateful to have him in her life. Then he will leave her at home to take care of his house and his kids while he pursues the girls he likes.

This is not the end of Mr. Cool … you will see the married version of Mr. Cool in the colleague who hits on you at work, in the client who puts you in one hand and the business deal in the other, in the werewolf who hunts you in outings and chases you in parties – all of them sounding like a broken record when they tell you how unhappy they are in their marriages; how they need someone who understands them and shares their dreams; how they miss communication and passion in their homes …… sounds too familiar?!!!

Mr. Big

Mr. Big walks in a room with his head stuck up; his big smile covers layers of confidence alternating with other layers of high self-esteem. He is known for daring eye contact and can mesmerize you with a naughty gaze before you even mention your name to him. He has the air of a Jane Austin aristocratic hero and his words, jokes and stories will make your hand-watch obsolete.

Hold your horses, girl! Mr. Big's big ego is big enough to swallow you, your pride and your dreams of a happily ever after ending with this charmer. Your slow walking slow talking hero will walk you to the verge of insanity and will talk you into changing your car, your look, your house, your friends, and he might go as far as your mother, father, brothers and sisters. He is ready to whip you with sarcasm and nothing, absolutely nothing, will stop him but a knife in his heart or a plate in his face.

Mr. Big will smash your big toe under his big foot and your big love will be expelled in seconds out of his big heart. He will wear his big black suit, put on his big black sunglasses, get in his big black car and will leave you to suffer alone in a big black hole after he has made his big black exit.

Sparky is not a Smarty

"I broke up with her … she is not a virgin" with these words my best friend, Sparky, woke me up on a lovely sunny Friday. Sparky did not take much time thinking, "She is a slut; she is loose; she is easy; she cannot be trusted; she is not fit to be neither a wife nor a mother; she did it before marriage and she is most likely going to do it after marriage." He said with utter confidence.

He turned a human being into a chocolate bar and he wanted to be the first to unwrap the chocolate bar! Like all the other Sparkies, he would rather be lied to than be faced with such an ugly truth! I wonder how happy will the next Sparky be with his brand new rewrapped chocolate bar.

Sparky wants to play master-slave with her; she will never complain, leave him, or get a life, while he is busy with his wild goose chases. She will never threaten to walk out on their marriage, or dump him for negligence and first-degree murder of the love she had for him. He wants to be the source of whatever sexual knowledge she acquires, and as her sole and prime teacher he will teach her the uses and benefits of yes, thank you, and you are the best!

Master

He will make you feel as if he was a God-sent gift to pull you out of a stinking brothel! He will hate all your friends who will envy you for having him! You will literally have to report to him; You will be accountable for every what, when, where, why, who, which, how, and how often that takes place today, might take place tomorrow, and that took place last year, the year before, or ten years ago! On the other hand, you will not be allowed to complain, question, nor inquire. You cannot say "no" or you will be express shipped to lonely island again. You will be robbed of your right to choose and denied your right to be fulfilled.

You will be a 24/7 slave in the dungeons of a cruel merciless master you call boyfriend! You will be starved for love and attention, humiliated in private and public, emotionally blackmailed, brainwashed, forced into sex, cheated upon, restricted, isolated, intimidated, neglected, and beaten up! The trick is to get the "slave" to depend on the "master" when it came to social acceptance, some care, infrequent attention, physical gratification, financial support, or any other dangling carrot that would keep you locked up in the cage. It will be hard to break free from his chains and you will prefer the devil you knew to the many other devils out there that you were too scared to not know.

The Mismatched pair of sneakers

I settled for the very wrong pair of shoes; uncomfortable from the start, though highly maintained, they lost their allure as time passed, and I realized that I have invested a fortune of emotions into a fake, yet well polished pair of mismatched sneakers.

The design of this ungodly footwear always set me off balance; I tripped on every stone and landed on my face, on my knees, or on my back many a time. Such shoes should come with a warning: "For short walks only". Silly me, I thought I was taking a lovely walk in a green park when I brilliantly exhausted my feet taking long painful strides on a treadmill that got me nowhere; no matter how long I walked, it only got me an arms length far. All the effort I put in was recorded on the calorie scale but never showed on the distance counter. I kept coming back to the frustrating square one!

The Peacock

Some of our very own Egyptian men got infected by some sort of unheard of virus that crawls into their tiny brains, fills their huge egos, and leaves "junior" dangling like a small pendant to remind them, and us, of what was and what could have been. The ferocious infection causes them to abandon their guts along with their hunter instinct, and while they develop a crest and arch their backs, they greet the world with a dislocated chest, protruded behind, and a strut. Alas! What a sorry sight! They are under the illusion that they are peacocks!

Like a peacock, he would stretch his arms, flex his muscles, strut back and forth, turn and flutter his ugly plumage at you. Another infected male was seen caressing his chest, adjusting his crest, and displaying his train of feathers. They would eye every female to be spotted at a distance, yet curl their lips as an expression of utter self satisfaction and lack of interest.

His fake loud laughter echoes the noisy alarm calls peacocks make when they are trying to get the attention of peahens in the mating season. Like peacocks, the infected men act as though they were pecking at food, with their heads to the ground and their tails above to draw attention to themselves. They are waiting for potential females to scurry over in hopes of grabbing a meal, while they stood upright and enticed the ladies with their shining tails. The peahen usually pretends not to notice the peacock until she is ready to lay eggs, and only then, she will decide to mate with the male.

Mama's Boy

Like Matthew McConaughey's character in the romantic comedy Failure to Launch, mama's boy is a 35 year old dude – or older – who has a nice well-paying job, yet his mother still made his bed, vacuumed his room, picked up his dirty clothes and left his clean laundry for him. Mama also made him pancakes, eggs, and more delicacies for breakfast. "To leave the nest, some men just need a little push" but what kind of push are we talking about when it comes to our men? How can we push a man away from his mommy's arms? How can we plant any seeds of responsibility in the soul of men who are so spoilt beyond reconciliation? Unlike parents here, in the movie, the parents were upset that their baby would not leave the nest; they felt that they did something wrong in the way they brought him up because he failed to claim his independence.

Mr. "I am Separated"

In the old days, Egyptian men used to tell na?ve girls that they were separated. I remember the first time I heard that line, I asked a series of closed-ended questions for clarification; I always started with whether they lived in separate houses, and when the answer was negative, I asked whether they lived in separate bedrooms, and when that test came out negative as well, I would ask timidly if they slept in separate beds. Most of the time, that also was negated. I used to struggle as I asked for a definition of being separated, and I was always told that they were separated on the mental and emotional level. – This is my definition of sliced baloney marinated in crap that men feed us all the time!

A decade later, men grew wiser and realized that their "I am separated" line is not flying. They used the head on top of their shoulders and voila: a new type of relationships that sounds so politically sound – an open relationship was their proposition! A solution that relieved them of any previously felt guilt. He does not have to lie about his whereabouts or hide his tracks anymore; why should he when his partner gave up her right to object and agreed to become an object in his life?

The Toy boy

I am a single independent career-oriented girl who is starved for love and attention. I miss being in a relationship and I miss the little things that add a warming flavor to my spreadsheet of a life; the surprises, the love words, the excitement before a date, the dreamy reminiscence after a date, and the phone calls that are directly wired to my heart. I want to have a plan for the weekend and someone to look forward to talking to.

Is it that I do not meet enough men? Is it that I do not attract them? No! There are plenty of them around me but I just do not like them. I do not like their baggage; be it an ex wife, a current wife, kids, bad experiences, imbedded resentment for women, commitment phobia, independence-related selfishness, emotional stinginess, financial stinginess, lack of expressiveness, over-eagerness, hair loss, muscle loss, a spare tire around their waist, or a midlife crisis. Men who are my age, or a bit older, have given up on life or given in to life.

The sad news is that just as much as I can see through the lonely over-eager older guys, younger guys can see through the false tough fa?ade that I so brilliantly set up for myself. I have become so trained on picking up the vibes of desperate hunters, and young guys can easily sense my cannibalism and need for affection. I have no living proof of the success or the continuity of any such toy boy relations. I do not like the way I see the future – I see a 45 year old hag hunting young mouthwatering kids and devouring their hopes, aspirations, and futures. This is topping the chart of my worst fears. I am so vulnerable; I have nightmares – toy boy nightmares.

Mr. Half Man

"A man should bring the money, put food on the table, pay the bills, and give me my pocket money. A woman, on the other hand, should make sure the money is well spent, the food on the table is cooked, the house is clean, the kids are brought up well, and the man is comfortable and taken care of. By sharing my salary, I am taking part of his load off his shoulders. Will he share my load too, or will he still expect to be served and obeyed? Most men nowadays want the woman to share his burdens along with her initial responsibility. If this was a company, and they were equal shareholders, using my logic, his share would be 25%. Now why would I want a man who is in this lifetime partnership with 25%? Why would I want to be with half a man? Let's assume once again that I did not meet my Mr. Real Man, and let's assume that I grew to like one of the current "half men", then his shares in this partnership do not grant him neither a superior word nor an upper hand. It is only fair and natural that if he is half a man, he deserves half a woman." – quoting my friend D

The Narcist Jerk

Let me remind you of the long list of your offences; falsifying a male ID on the grounds of facial hair and protrusions, theft of their hearts, deception to gain access to their lives, evading liability relating to any of your actions, trespassing to other feminine pastures, assault of their friends, battery of their ego, unlawful wounding of their self-esteem, wounding with intent of their pride, recklessness throughout the relationship, negligence of their needs, intimidation and threats, conspiracy against their peace of mind, and murder of their happily ever after dreams.

She wanted you strong to protect her not to bully her; handsome to please her sight not to torture her wits; rebellious to support her causes not to offend her logic; imaginative to fly with you not to get caught in your entangled webs; sensitive to understand her not to confuse her; determined to lean on you not to suffer your well-launched attacks; eloquent to appeal to her mind not to flirt with her friends; charming to give her pride not shame.

The Good Guy

1. As long as he comes home in the end, he can do as he pleases.
2. As long as he feeds you, keep your mouth shut.
3. He can force you to stay home – you never had a career anyway.
4. He can boss you around – you never had an opinion, so why complain now?
5. He can be as disrespectful as he wants, and you can cry as much as you want.
6. He can beat you up for every white lie he discovered.
7. He is fully entitled to isolate you from the female friends you never had.
8. A "good guy" is jealous; you will never get to wear your stashed wardrobe.
9. He will never tarnish your innocence and take you dancing; he will have a girlfriend to escort him.
10. If you give birth to a baby girl, he will make sure she is brought up as a "good girl"!