Published in Identity Magazine – February 2011
MY HUSBAND
Woman 1: My husband is not romantic and he does not express his feelings verbally. He does not surprise me at all. He does not get me random gifts (nothing expensive). His love-making is so boring and traditional. How can I turn him into a passionate romantic man?
Woman 2: My husband does not spend time at home with me and the kids; he comes back from work, has lunch, sleeps for a couple of hours, then goes out with his friends and comes late at night to sleep. This is almost his daily routine. When we have guests, he is so eager for them to leave so that he can go to his friends. If we are visiting people, he is so anxious to leave to go see his friends. He is not doing anything wrong and I fully trust him. I just wish he spent more time with us.
Woman 3: My husband works a lot – more than 12 hours per day – and when he comes home, he is all burdened with work. He literally brings work into our bedroom. We are expecting our first baby and I feel alone. Will I be on my own after I give birth? Will he turn into one of those detached fathers?
Woman 4: My husband is negative by nature; he does not like anything! He does not approve of anything! He does not see the bright side in anything! He is blue most of the time and he gets depressed over the stupidest things. I am tired of trying to cheer him up!
Woman 5: My husband is not motivated or driven like other young men his age! He is 30 and is so full of himself. I will give you an example; He does not work! He wants to work but he wants to work as a manager in a big company and take a huge salary at the end of the month. Do not mistake this for ambition; this is pure hallucination. He thinks it is offensive and humiliating to apply for a job; he wants the job to come to him. He thinks it is humiliating to ask his friends if there are vacancies in their companies. He got a low-pay job for the time being and he is not satisfied but he is not doing anything about it; he is not even trying to look for a part-time job. I no longer respect him!
Dear women complaining of your husbands,
Before I answer your questions, I would like to set some ground rules here! I want you to remember the following:
- You chose those men you are married to! You are responsible for the consequences of your choices.
- There must have been signs when you were dating or engaged of the exact things you are complaining of today but you chose to ignore them and went ahead with the marriage!
- Life is all about phases and a relationship has phases too; the dreams of prince-charming belong to adolescence. The hunting and the playfulness is a thing for college years. The passion and the sparks are characteristics of the beginning of a relationship and it is delusional to expect them to last. The gifts, wining and dining, and surprises are in the courtship, or engagement, stage. The steamy sex wears off when the novelty wears off. Every phase has its beauty!
- There is a difference between men and women and most marital problems happen when a woman tries to turn her man into another woman or when the man expects his woman to act like men!
- As human beings, we have no control over our partners or our kids! You cannot get a man/woman and try to change them into something else! You cannot dictate how your kids are – or will be! The only power you have is over yourself! The power to choose, the power to adapt, or the power to change!
Having said that let me go back to your questions:
To woman 1: stop waiting for your husband to do things for you! Here are your options:
- You express your love to him verbally, you do romantic things, you surprise him, you touch him the way you want to be touched, you take the lead in bed, – why? It is an attempt to teach him how to love you!
- You can stop waiting for him to do things for you and do those things for yourself! Yes! I am serious! Love yourself, surprise yourself, do nice things for yourself, enjoy life and stop complaining about what he is not offering you!
- If you have serious sexual problems, talk to him openly! Maybe there is something about you that is causing him to shut down! Maybe you come across as shy or inhibited! Try watching Kama Sutra illustrations on the net and turn it into a game; which position will you try next time.
- If you keep making him feel like a failure he will become nothing but a failure!
- If you really hate being married to him, leave him!
To woman 2: men are not women. Your husband needs to disconnect! He needs to disconnect from you, from the kids, from work, from responsibilities, and from pressure! This is something that only his male friends offer him! When men meet, they talk a bit then they get busy doing something else; play station, cards, darts, football, gym, movies, or jokes … etc. No matter how much fun you try to present at home, he still needs his escape time and the more pressure he is facing the more escape time he will need. You might want to put in more effort into making the house as peaceful and as inviting as you could but there are no guarantees that he will give up part of his “time-with-friends”.
To woman 3: your husband is scared! You might be afraid of birth and motherhood and he is scared of financial responsibilities and of his role as the sole provider for your family! Most men find pride in taking care of their wives and kids and the thought of failing at meeting those expectations is nightmarish for them. Let him do his thing and you focus on doing your thing! He will detach himself from you and the kid in two cases; one: you keep complaining and two: he fails as a breadwinner!
To woman 4: Stop trying to cheer him up! He will drain your energy and will not see where you are coming from! Just let him be! Listen, empathize, and move on! Do not try to show him that he is wrong or that the glass is half full! He will resist you and dump his negativity on you! I also want you to surround yourself with positive people! Learning how to enjoy your life and being happy on your own is the only way you can stop his poisonous impact on you and the kids.
To Woman 5: Your problem is the worst! Respect is gone and soon love and any sort of attachment to this man will go away too! Here are my fears:
- You start patronizing him – he will run to another woman!
- You start criticizing him – he will become as stubborn as a mule just to spite you!
- You detach yourself from him – he might cheat and you might cheat!
- You transfer your lack of respect of your husband to your kids! – you will all be miserable!
He will not change! If you can help him get the job he wants, then do it! If you cannot help him try to accept him as he is! Try to accept the fact that you are married to a young sexy passionate romantic man who loves you to pieces but he is not an achiever! Just love him for the good thing he does and stop yourself from comparing him to other men. I know this is very hard but it is either this or leave!
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