Dear MAN … I miss you

Dear MAN

I miss you. 
I know that I wake up next to you every morning – But I miss you.
I know that I go to bed next to you every night – Still I miss you. 
I miss listening to you. 
I miss looking into your eyes as I talk to you. 
I miss the funny thing your nose does when you laugh. 
I miss the other funny thing you nose does when you get mad. 
I miss your silly jokes.
I miss the stories you told me a hundred times.
I miss holding your hand. 
I miss your embrace.
I miss being in love with you.
Don't you? 
Don't you miss me?

When we first met my heart promised you eternal and unconditional love; but somehow I let my heart down. My day to day life consumed me and our love suffered. Being your dutiful wife and the mother of your kids made me forget that I am also your lover and best friend. I saw you drift away and I did nothing to stop you. I saw the gap between us grow wider and I was too proud to draw myself closer to you. Today, you looked at me for the very first time in a very long time and I realized what has become of us.

How did we become roommates? How did our sentences become so abrupt? How did we grow so far apart? I do not want to blame you for letting our love fall into stagnation. I am reaching out to you now and I am asking you to help me resuscitate our love. Can we start over? Can you take my hands in yours one more time? Can we still walk that designated path together? I am willing to forget how the way you looked at me the other day hurt me. I will also forget how your words cut deep in my heart. I will forgive our last fight and our every fight. I will erase the marks my tears drew on my face. I will renew my love vows, will you listen?

The other day as I watched you leave, I realized that you did not kiss me and as your footsteps grew more distant, I thought I would never see you again. I tried to remember the last time we were happy yet I only remembered our last fight. My heart ached and I wanted to cry. I wanted to call you and to tell you that I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I will be home waiting for you. I would have begged you to come back home safe because I could never afford losing you. I said nothing. I was stubborn. I was proud. I still missed you. It is funny how a woman's heart works.

Do you know why I call you ten times a day? Do you know why I cry a lot? Do you know why I threaten to leave? Do you know why I never actually leave? Do you know why I always tell you that I hate you? Do you know why I push you away? Do you know why I am silent? Do you know why I fight you over little things? Do you know why I am jealous? Do you know why I pretend not to be jealous? Do you know why I no longer wish you a good morning or a good night? Do you know why I am no longer the girl you fell in love with? Do you know why I am writing you this letter? … Because I am scared.

Losing you scares me. Leaving you scares me. Loving you scares me. Missing you scares me. Not having all of you scares me. Not knowing the real you scares me. Knowing that you might hurt me scares me. Feeling your heart growing cold scares me. Seeing your love growing stale scares me. Seeing another woman eyeing you scares me. Me – being naked in front of you scares me. Me – needing you scares me. Me – not being able to be me with you scares me. You – not looking at me scares me. You – not seeing me when you look at me scares me. You – not understanding all of this scares me the most.

Dear MAN … my dear MAN … 
I can list 100 things I love about you 
and another 100 things I miss about you. 
I can think of 100 things that remind me of you 
and another 100 things that I still have to give you. 
I will not tell you the 100 things that you did wrong 
but I will tell you the 100 things you did perfectly well. 
Do not give up on us because we have a long way to go. 
Do not let go of me because I will hold on to you. 
Do not ignore my letter because I will write you more letters.

Yours truly,
Me