Ask Marwa: 10 reasons your “not-a-husband-yet” might not be sexually interested in you

THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN IDENTITY MAGAZINE – JULY 2011

Dear Marwa,

I think that my problem is common, but usually not all women have the guts to talk about it frankly. I have been in a serious relationship for a while now, I love him and we should be getting married soon. My problem is that he doesn’t show any signs of sexual attraction towards me. Even when anything physical happens between us, he seems to be very conscious about it, which turns me off and frustrates me. I believe that we match on every other aspect of our relationship, interests, personality, traits, talents, background, etc. Only when it comes to physical matters, we don’t seem to have a proper connection. My bigger problem is that there is another guy who seems to be attracted to me. We are not compatible on any other level apart from the physical one. Nothing at all has happened between us, but I only feel that the energy exists when we see each other. I really don’t know what to do. I want to be getting the sexual attention from the person I’m committed to, rather than getting it from someone else. I try as much as I can to draw his attention towards that, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t want to be sexually attracted to someone else, and at the same time I’m afraid that this situation wouldn’t get any better after marriage.

Yours,

C.P.

Dear C.P.

I salute you for your courage and self-awareness; very few girls take the time to think of the sexual compatibility between themselves and their future husband. Your problem is not as simple as it seems; let me divide it into more accurate points and then discuss each one independently:

• Your fiancé is not interested in you physically but seems interested in other women

If you can spot those lustful looks in his eyes that you long for when he looks at other women or if he flirts in a sexually explicit way with friends or colleagues, then he is suffering just as much as you are! He is also wondering how he will get married to you when he does not find you attractive. He is struggling to tell you what turns him off about you but he is afraid of offending you. My suggestion in this case would be: take the lead and ask him directly about what turns him on in a woman but please no matter what he says try not to get offended – the purpose of this question is to communicate and get closer!

• Your fiancé is physically interested in you but has a problem expressing it

Maybe he is just shy! Maybe he does not want you to get the wrong idea about him! Maybe he loves you to the extent of not wanting to cross any lines with you. If that is the problem, you can take the lead and flirt with him in a subtle way … this will give him the guts to say something flirty in return.

• Your fiancé is neither interested in you nor in other women – sex is not important to him

This is disastrous! There is no way to fix this! After marriage you will be starved for sexual gratification even if you have sex. You will always feel that it is mechanical and a duty that he has to perform rather than a way to please one another. How to find out? By talking clearly and explicitly. Ask him about his previous relationships, his sexual fantasies, his views on sex, and the more you talk the more you will find out about the root of his problem.

• Your fiancé is a tease – he enjoys seeing you turned on and does nothing about it

This is a form of role reversal in your relationship and you have to decide if you can live with it or not. Usually it is the woman’s role to tease and the man’s role to hunt her into submission. The woman enjoys the attention and the man enjoys the achievement. But if the roles are reversed, the woman does not feel desired and wanted by her man and this can be frustrating.

• Your fiancé is religious and is exercising self control

This one is easy to figure out and easy to deal with! You know your fiancé and you know his beliefs. If it is a matter of religion, you will feel that he truly desires you but he is restraining himself. If you do not feel this “restraining himself” effort, then being religious is not the problem.

• Your fiancé is inexperienced

If your fiancé has never had any relationships before or has had very few short relationships, then he is inexperienced. He does not know how to deal with women in general and how to flirt in particular. This is a matter of time and real experience after you are married. But you have to be patient and you have to enjoy his “innocence” otherwise, you will end up intimidating him even more and instead of progressing, he will regress. All he needs to move forward is confidence in what he is doing. The more you encourage him by positive affirmations, the more he will be eager to learn and to please you. To make sure that inexperience is the real problem here, ask him about his sexual fantasies … if he has none, do not waste your time.

• Your fiancé believes that sex is dirty and nasty

This is an easy one to figure out. The “I have a friend” game would be of great help. “I have a friend who did this or that with her husband … and I was shocked!” “I have a friend who wants he husband to do this or that … and he is refusing” such stories will help you uncover his true views on certain sex-related issues and it is up to you to stay or leave.

• Your fiancé is not in love with you

Is he affectionate on other levels? Do you feel that he misses you, that he cares about you, that he gets jealous, that he enjoys talking to you, that he loves looking into your eyes when you talk, etc? Does he notice any changes you make to your appearance? Does he give you compliments? Does he tell you that he loves you? Do you feel loved? If the answer is no, then this is where the real problem is … and most probably, his heart and sexual desires are with someone else.

• Your fiancé is intimidated by you

This is the opposite of the previous problem; he loves you so much and he looks up to you to the extent of dreading doing or saying anything that would jeopardize your relationship. Patience, support, love, and lots of encouragement should help you fix this problem. If you are more experienced than him, he might be worried about not meeting your benchmarks! Reassurance and honest discussions will help you overcome this obstacle.

•  Your fiancé does not even realize that there is a problem

This means that you are the one who has a problem; you make him believe that everything is perfect while deep down you resent him for not being man enough for you. This means that you are just beating around the bushes instead of going straight to the point! Get out of your head now and put your thoughts and fears on the table in front of him! Communication is the secret to solving your problem.