Dear MAN: I Love you BUT

Dear MAN (July 2008)

With the power of my thoughts I summoned you
and with a blink I made you vanish.

On a dark trip your spirit shall wander
and as it gets darker you shall believe in me.

Ungrateful creature, I am your heaven and haven; 
Ingratitude is a sin, and sinners live an eternity in hell.

In mazes of confusion your spirit shall wander; 
In utter darkness demons of the past shall haunt you; 

Of happiness you are incapable
then you shall dwell in misery and isolation.

Have I not tried to befriend you? 
Have I not held you and healed you? 

But alas, you are just another ungrateful creature; 
Reside in darkness and dwell in fear.. I thee curse.

Know me or know me not… I am a collector; 
for when you were not looking, 
in your core, I planted my seed.

Before you know it, 
I shall grow in your soul
like a leafy tree of a hundred years.

Dear MAN (July 2009)

Before reading any further I want you to know that I forgive you; actually I was never angry enough at you to hold a grudge … not hurt enough to wish you ill or to send you bad thoughts. I do not hate you and I never did … I do not think I ever could.

You asked me if I have summoned you with the power of my mind again but I am not sure what summoned you; was it today when I was cooking bamia (Okra) and remembered you? Was it yesterday night when I remembered the contrast of your skin and mine and missed you? Was it last week when I bought an outdoor bed for the terrace and remembered how when we first met we used to watch the sunrise together? Was it when I bought flour, vanilla, and powder sugar and wanted to bake chocolate chip cookies for you? Was it when I opened a brand new bottle of your favorite perfume after I ran out of my current perfume? Was it when I ran last month into a writer's block and I had to re-live certain moments of "us" to get inspired? Is it when my hair grew longer and curlier and I realized that it has been forever since you saw it? …. I really don't know which one of those days managed to summon you.

I admit that I think of you a lot and I intentionally push the thoughts away because I made a conscious decision that we cannot be together. I understand why you do what you do to push me away and I understand why you are "a jerk" – using your words – and I blame you for none of it. Understanding the reasons is not enough to make this work; you need someone who can put up with it and I am not that person. I told you over and over what offsets my safety valve and you tried to change – I really believe you did – but then your nature took over and every time it is a worse breakup than the time before. It is no use trying again. I have a good head on top of my shoulders and I will not bang it against your wall again.

I love who I am when you are in my life; sexy, feminine, happy, glowing, and peaceful from within. But I hate the person that comes out when you are that jerk; nagging, insecure, angry, bitter, and … a cheater. I do not need you to reassure me that I am a good girl or for you to take back any insults. I know who I am and I am so in love with myself … I love myself enough to stay away from you – the spark that does not fade away no matter how much dirt you put on it … the man who inspired my best work over the past year. I love you but no thank you.