Ask Marwa: How can I make myself love him?

Date posted: October 9, 2012


Hi Marwa,
I know you have a lot of messages to read so I will get straight to the point. I'm a 27 year old girl who is newly engaged to an old friend from work. I am now considering breaking up with him after a couple of weeks of engagement! My fiancé has been in love with me for a long time and I have always known his feelings but it was only after I had a series of failed relationships that I decided to go for him! He has always been my friend and he knows about all my previous relationships. He has always been understanding and supportive and I never gave him the time of the day!

I don't know why I can't love him! He is handsome, polite, and is madly in love with me! I realize that men like him are a gem and I will regret it if I leave him but I am stuck! I hate the sight of my engagement ring! I am attracted to other guys and I hate myself for it! I am full of guilt and shame! How can I love him? How do I make this work?


Dear E,

I am so sorry you are not enjoying your engagement and that you are not enjoying your fiancé's love. It took me quite a while to decide which direction my reply to you will guide you; leaving him or getting married to him! It is obvious that you have always thought of this man as a friend and you have never fantasized about him in any other way! It is also clear that you approached him in a desperate moment when you gave up on relationships altogether! You got engaged on a rebound! You were angry and desperate! Most of the time, in such a case, my advice would be to correct the mistake and break off that engagement because it is a commitment founded entirely on the wrong basis!

But reading your story has another dimension; he is not the horribly wrong rebound guy! This could work unless there is something repulsive about his character or physique! You are the only person who has the answer: what's wrong with him? Why was he just a friend? What is so unappealing about him? If you could not find any tangible answers to those questions then all you need is to consciously shift your paradigm from friend to wife and look at him as your partner and father of your unborn kids. If you cannot see him as such then this engagement is a waste of time.

Love works in mysterious ways and if you are the type who like challenging relationships, then maybe this is the problem; maybe there is nothing wrong with him and that you just enjoy a good hunt more than a romantic dinner for two! Try to be fair to him as much as you are trying to be fair to yourself! He deserves to be loved and respected just as much as you deserve to settle in a relationship that feels right!

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