Ask Marwa: My husband does not want to have sex after I gave birth

Published in Identity Magazine – March 2013

Dear Marwa, 

My Husband and I have been married for 3 years now; it has been 7 months since I gave birth to my little angel Nadine. I'm so busy with Nadine all day, but when I can finally get some alone time with my husband he acts all weird. It's like he's trying to avoid me. It's been 7 months now with no physical interaction what so ever. I was once his super model and now it's like he's not attracted to me at all. I do admit that I gained some weight after giving birth but all women do. Why can't he understand that a woman's body changes dramatically after pregnancy? Every time I try to talk to him about it he changes the subject. What's going on with him? I mean I lost all the pregnancy weight and he's still not interested. I talked to my best friends about it and they said I should give it some time and maybe he's still recovering from what he saw in the delivery room. Could that be possible? Please help me out I don't know what to do anymore.

Alyah

Dear Alyah

Birth is a life changing experience for everyone who is involved in it; the more involved a person is the more drastic the changes become! Most of the time women complain that they have changed physically, psychologically and physiologically but the husband does not get it and that he wants things to go back to the way they were before. In your case, your husband was very involved and this has changed the way he perceives you.

It is not about gaining weight or losing it; it is about who you have become to him! Let me give you a movie quote to help drive my point through! In the movie, Analyze This, Dr. Ben Sobol was asking Paul Vitti why he has affairs and cheats on his wife all the time. The doctor was wondering if Paul did not love his wife enough. Paul explained that his wife is his wife and the other women are the other women!

Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night? 
Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend. 
Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems? 
Boss Paul Vitti: No. 
Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend? 
Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me? 
Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend? 
Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife. 
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife? 
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy? 

Now back to you! Your husband has literally seen you transform from sexy woman/wife to the mama of his baby! He looks at you and fails to see sex goddess! He looks at your breasts and sees milk … food for the baby! He looks at your waist and sees the miracle of conception and carrying a baby to term! He thinks of your private parts and sees a baby coming out! He sees the blood, the labor, the lights, the noises, the tearing, the cutting, and the pushing! He is traumatized!

My advice to you: don't push him! He needs time to reconcile with the experience and to adjust his perception of who you are! Don't push him away; let him share those intimate joyous moments with you and Nadine. Bathe her together, dress her up together, feed her together, cuddle with her, let your eyes meet as you watch her doze off and fall asleep. Bit by bit the warmth and coziness of your newly found bond will kick in and you will both experience a very different type of sex – a sex based on bonding and comfort as opposed to lust and desire!