Published in Identity Magazine – October 2014
"Lately I have had this problem where my ex has been calling me few months after he left his girlfriend. It seemed friendly at first but then he start apologizing for what happened during the breakup and saying stuff like he is in love with us both and not to get him wrong as he doesn’t want to get back with me. This is very confusing; I don’t understand what he wants. I was totally over him recently as I consider him the love of my life. What do you think this means? Is it an attempt to get attention or is he hoping for more?
Thank you!
Butterfly"
Dear Butterfly
Relationships are very complex and feelings are never identified in black and white. Breakups are also difficult and the surge of emotions that follows a breakup is impossible to define in one rule of thumb for people to follow with ease and clarity. There are times in a relationship when you are definite that it is over then something unexpected happens and you witness an ultimate rebirth of what you assumed dead. There are also people who are capable of a form of universal love; it does not have to be one person.
A monogamous relationship between a man and a woman is the most common form but it is not the only option. Some men are capable of being in love with more that woman and if he gets married to more than one, then this is called bigamy. There is also the polyamorous relationship where a woman could be in love an fully committed to two men, a husband and wife could be involved with another woman, man, or couple. My point is that the options are infinite but every choice has its consequences and ailments.
My advice is not to confuse yourself; he might be in love with the two of you as he said, but how acceptable does that sound to you? There is also a risk factor if you accept this scenario; he might find out after some time that he wants to get married to the other woman – not to you! I would also advise you to think of how you will handle jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and pain. You said that he is the love of your life, but are you willing to invest more time and feelings in him? Are you willing to take such a risk? Will you be happy? According to your answers to my questions, decide if you want to pick up the phone the next time he calls or not.
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