Ask Marwa: My BF would rather spend NYE with his friends!

Published in Identity Magazine – December 2014

Dear Marwa,

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now and we are happy together. My problem might not seem big, but somehow i'm really upset. This is the first New Year's Eve for us, and actually the first NYE with a boyfriend. I was really looking forward to spending it together, until he surprised me by telling me that he will be going to London with the boys. He didn't even ask if it will bother me or show me that he's even a little bit upset for not being with me on that day. Instead he was too excited and i couldn't share this excitement with him. Specially that he somehow pointed before that he doesn't like me going out alone, without him. I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, maybe this day doesn't mean anything for him. But I still feel he should have asked me or considered my feelings. And deep down I wanted him to WANT to spend it with me. Should I be worried?

Dear L

Yes, you should be worried! You should not be worried because the two of you will not spend New Year’s Eve together but here is a list of the things you should be worried about:

1. The two of you are not on the same wavelength; you are committed and you are making plans that include him while he has not switched to relationship mode yet! He is still making plans alone and he still prefers having fun with his friend to romancing you.

2. He is exhibiting some jerk-alert signals; he wants to go out with his friends and have fun while you stay at home with your tears running down your cheeks! This is very alarming unless that is how you envision your future. He also told you his plans after all the bookings were made! He did not tell you about his wishes in advance and he did not share with you the details of his trip as he was making his plans.

3. You should also be worried about being too attached, having too many expectations, and thinking that he is “the one” before has proven his sincerity. You just do not assume that you are committed to someone and that he is committed to you because you dated for a couple of months and are “happy” together. Trust, love, and attachment have to be earned; you do not just throw your heart at any man you like.

I want you to ask yourself, why in a couple of months do you expect this man to be committed to you?

When it comes to dating, I usually refer to Dr. John Gray’s book “Mars and Venus on a Date” where he sums up the five stages of dating: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, and Commitment. You can read more about the five stages of dating online; in the meantime, I would like you to examine those stages and identify where the two of you stand. Ideally speaking, you should do that together but for now, you could do that exercise alone and double-check your expectations.