Ask Marwa: Can a Woman have Sex every single Day?

Published in Identity Magazine in November 2015

I am a 32 year old woman who was married for 8 years to a loving caring man that any woman would love to be married to. I have 3 children and my life was somewhat stable until a couple of years ago.

I will tell you the story from the start maybe you can help me figure out what to do.

I met my husband for the first time when I was 21, an arranged marriage which I didn't mind as I come from a conservative family, but they wouldn't impose someone on me if I didn't agree. I was hoping for a nice groom actually and dreamt about it a lot. He was all I dreamt of and more. We got married in a year's time.

Since we got married he made it clear that everyday intercourse is essential, not in a harsh manner, but in an undiscussable one. We had our ups and downs but the one thing that never stopped was his insistence of sleeping with me every night even if we were not on speaking terms. I couldn't keep up! It turned into a routine act; lost all its romance and emotions, I stopped having feelings and hated every bit of him and myself.

Then came the infidelities, I discovered he had affairs, actually, multiple affairs since we got married. I blew up and got a divorce.

Ever since the divorce, he treats me well, he supports me financially as much as when I was living with him or even more, he cares about me, he takes care of me and I am sure he loves me. He is nagging me now to re-marry but he wants me to promise him I'll have daily intercourse because my refusal is what led him astray!! I do love him and miss our life together, I want the children to be happy too, but I can't commit myself to daily sex. Tell me is this normal?

Dear Married-to-a-sex machine

I have written several responses to your question and I deleted them all! None of them felt good enough! First, your situation is unique; I know many women who would literally kill for a man like yours! Second, your situation is hard; I do not know any woman who could have sex daily for eternity! Third, your situation feels wrong; overdoing anything is evidence that there is a serious problem beneath! Daily sex by command is no longer about stamina and libido! What is hurting your husband? It seems that sex is the only way he is able to vent any suppressed anger or frustration, or express excitement, joy, and achievement! I will not waste this space on analyzing your husband! You said that you still love him and that you are willing to be back with him!

Here is my advice regarding the daily sex situation:

1. Say no to daily sex and see his reaction
2. Negotiate! Aim for four times a week and see his reaction
3. Beat him at his own game! Agree! Tell him that physically speaking, there is nothing to stop you from having sex on daily basis but you find the sex boring and repetitive, and that is why you cannot commit to the daily deal!

Elaborate further and tell him that you need to feel inspired! Tell him that you want to feel loved and to make love! Tell him that you need to feel passion! Tell him clearly that you need to fall in love with him every day to be able to make love to him every night! Tell him that you were turned off by how things became automated and mechanical! Tell him that he has to earn his daily sex by hard work, creativity, and romance! Tell him that he needs to touch your soul and heart daily!

Try to elaborate on why you resented “sex-time” and how you felt used and void from within! Tell him that you felt disconnected and unloved even when you were in the most intimate moments! He needs to understand that lust is not enough and lust does not reach its peak on daily basis! Maybe you could tell him how sex is the strongest transmitter for positive and negative feelings and that many times you felt that you were lonely and unheard! Give him high scores on technicalities and be very realistic when grading the prelude and the aftermath! Leave the ball I his court! He needs to spend his nights thinking of how to wow you in the morning so that you will be inspired at night!

On the other hand, you need to eliminate sources of stress because a big part of your lack of interest in sex is related to the kids, the daily battles, and the thoughts in your head. If you want this marriage to work this time you have to think of all the things that you are willing to do differently! We all know that doing the same things the same way will only get you the same results!