Ask Marwa: LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE WORLD OF REBOUNDS!

hey Marwa

Hope u r doin great

well apparently im fallin head over heels for my best friend 

who has suggested to casually datin n i suppose after couple of dates n some intimacy he is steepin back n it showed that he is avoiding me not to get too attached to him 

he is a great guy n our friendship is really awesome 

he's heart is broken after he loved a girl who left him n got married n now he is the miserable guy whos goin to die alone n live alone as he thinks

i cant deny that he is perfect for me

but his mixed signals r sooo upsettin me 

some times he is jealous , other times he is avoiding me , n other times he is pushin me to date others n when i do he gets jealous n wants to stop me 

now im seriously upset n dont know what to do

i do like him so bad i feel im lovin him 

but i dont want to risk our friendship 

meanwhile i cant leave it this way 

its killin me seein him with others or the idea of him with another girl 

really devastating me 

what should i do ???????

Dear Devastated

Let me introduce you to the world of rebounds! A rebound is a relationship that is supposed to stop, or help you escape, the pain of another relationship – call it a painkiller, a band aid, or a quick fix.

Usually it is right after, or at the very end of, a relationship that went, or is going, belly up. Like taking a pain killer before going to the dentist for fear of toothache after the visit, more vulnerable people start their rebound relationship as a precautionary measure.

Why is your man using you as his rebound?

1) A bruised ego: If a person feels that he has been dumped or rejected, the ideal solution would be to embark on another relationship to prove to the ex, and to himself, that he is desirable and that one woman's poison is another woman's gain.

2) Sense of failure: Whether it was him who ended the relationship or he was forced out of it, there is a sense of loss and failure to go with a breakup. In banking terms, he has invested time, effort, and money, his emotional credit is depleted, and he feels that he owes the whole world an explanation. To overcome this sense of failure, many of us try to prove immediately that they "can do it" – yes I can get in a relationship and stay there! Yes! I have what it takes to make it work!

3) Stubbornness: Here comes the ego again but this time it is to tell the world: "I do not care!" "I never cared!" "I am so over it!" "It has been over a long time ago!"

4) Pain: He is in pain and he does not know how to deal with it; no matter what he does, the void is still there and the pain is sucking him into a bottomless pit.

5) Fear: Fear of letting go of his dreams, of facing his faults and flaws, of being single, of being lonely, of answering questions, or of the ex moving on with her life before he does.

Are you his rebound? (Being rebounded upon)

1) Is your partner fresh out of a relationship?
2) Was that relationship intense?
3) Was that relationship long?
4) What was the level of commitment? Flirting? Dating? Officially together? Engaged? Married? Kids? – The more serious the commitment, or the more intense and the longer the relationship, the higher the probability of you being a rebound.
5) Do you feel that your partner is emotionally or physically unavailable?
6) Does your partner have extreme mood swings?
7) Do you feel that one day you are on top of the world and the next day you are sick with misery?
8) Do you have a feeling of uncertainty when you call your partner? Is he/she going to pick up?
9) Do you feel that your needs are not met and that your partner is taking you for granted?
10) Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells all the time?

If the answer is yes, then you are the band aid; by all means this is not how you should feel in a relationship.

What now?

If you identified yourself to be in a rebound relationship, you have to end it. This relationship will not do you any good. On the one hand, using someone as a cushion is not fair unless they are aware of this fact. They have to know that this is not a happily ever after relationship and it is up to them to accept or refuse the deal. On the other hand, allowing someone to use you to get over, tease, or get even with someone is not fair for yourself. Have pride and leave before your self-esteem is shattered.

Do not attempt to go on dates or start a new relationship because this time it will be you who is having a rebound on someone! It will be you who is faking the relationship. Give time time and when the feelings and intensity subsides, you can enjoy a peaceful friendship once again.