Ask Marwa: Married Woman having an Affair with a Married Man

Date posted: January 14, 2010

Hello Marwa,

I am having an affair! I am married with 3 kids and I am having an affair. I am an Egyptian Muslim woman who is having an affair with a married Christian Italian man living in Egypt. I feel dirty but I am addicted. My husband is too stupid to even notice that his own wife – the woman who shares his bed – is having an affair! My husband is too self-obsessed, too confident, too ignorant, too busy, too distant to realize that the mother of his kids is lying all the time, cheating on him, and has stopped loving him! I don't even know why I am writing to you.
The woman having an affair!

Hello affair woman,

Your message is loaded with anger! You want to kill yourself and kill your husband. You are blaming him for taking you for granted, for leaving your heart undefended and your body unguarded, for ignoring your cries for attention, and for making you sin against yourself. I am not going to flog you over the affair. I am not even going to talk about it.

I want to talk about you and how you hurt yourself. I know that you wanted to hurt him. I also believe that deep down you want him to know. You are leaving him clues everywhere but he is too selfish to see them. You want him to catch you red handed with betrayal as a punishment to his insolence against you.

But who are you really hurting here? So far, you are the one who is suffering! And if you get caught do not expect him to fall apart and realize what a jerk he was to you because a man like that will never realize that he drove you to this affair. You will not find sympathy or understanding in anyone's heart. You will lose the love and respect of your kids, your family, and the woman you see every time you look in the mirror.

Even your choice of the affair was with a man who cannot and will not marry you. You are not looking for a new husband; you just want him to suffer. In your message, you said nothing about how happy the other man makes you feel or how you are enjoying being with him or anything at all to indicate that you are happy.

You only spoke about your husband! If I were you, I would confront him with how I really feel about him (the truth and nothing less than the truth), with how he makes me feel (as brutal as it might sound), with how I want to hurt him (as honest as you can be), and then ask him to fix it or get a divorce. Tell him how weak and tempted you felt, tell him that you have contemplated an affair, tell him that you cannot go on like that, and tell him that you are serious.

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