Ask Marwa: On the Issue of Revenge

Date posted: May 1, 2010


Revenge!

I will not bother you with the details of how we met! I will not bother you with the 5 years of torture that I experienced when I was married to him. I will not share the ugly details of our divorce. I will just tell you that now I am divorced at the age of 30 with no kids and lots of anger and resentment. I hate him! I want him to suffer! I want him to feel every bit of pain that he made me go through! I want to humiliate him!

Marwa, how can I take my revenge?
G

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Dear G

I have been down that road myself many times and please take my word when I tell you that such feelings hurt no one but their bearer! They will consume your energy and power. You will be stuck in this shady zone like a prisoner of solitude. He will move on and prosper and your life will come to a standstill.

I know you do not believe me … so let me tell you the steps to get your revenge!

1) Grieve! Yes! No one can deny you the right to feel sad and angry. But grieve the right way if you want this to end. Write down how you feel, or record it, or recite it over and over in front of a mirror. Imagine that he is right there and that he is listening to your words. Decide how long you want to feel miserable and stick to it. For example: "I am going to grieve for a week (or a month)"

2) Analyze the whole situation from the very beginning; how you met, where you went, what he said, what he did, what you said, and what you did. The most important point in this exercise is for you to acknowledge where you went wrong. What are the signs you missed? What are the mistakes you made? What is your share of responsibility for everything that has happened? If you do not do that, you will never be able to move on to the next step.

3) Lessons learnt! Write down the lessons that you have learnt from this experience. Write down how this experience made you a better person – more experienced, wiser, more responsible, etc. You have to see the positive side of your tragedy and learn from it.

4) Preventive measures! You will need to write down clear strategies on how to avoid repeating each of the mistakes you acknowledged in step 2. You cannot just keep it in your head or you will forget. When you write it down, it becomes clear and tangible. For example, if the mistake was that you gave your heart too soon, then you have to come up with strategies on how to hold on to your heart until the guy earns your trust.

5) Fate will test you! Yes! You will be faced with the same situations over and over again because God want to know if you have learnt from your experience or not! We are here in this life time to learn … to make mistakes and learn … and evolve into better human beings by using this knowledge. If you keep making the same mistakes, it means that you do not deserve a break from your suffering and it also means that you are still enjoying the role of the victim.

Once you complete those five steps, you will be pleasantly surprised! Your ex will come back … he will be sorry … and guess what? You will not care!!! Yes! You will have moved on and you will have nothing but pity or sympathy towards him. I know that you still do not trust me but … I have been down that road and it has never failed me … not once!

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