Ask Marwa: How do I make him love me again?

Date posted: June 1, 2010


Dear Marwa,
When I first met him, I was not in the mood for a relationship; I was content and self-sufficient. I have had it with men and relations, focused on my career, and developed a variety of hobbies that left me no time to think of men. He was patient, caring, devoted, and irresistibly passionate. My picket fences fell one by one, my ice-cold walls melted, and I let my guards down. He brought out the best in me! Then he changed … he no longer cared nor listened; I felt us growing apart, tried to hold on to him, and then gave up. In the process I lost my warmth and went into my icebox again. Now we do not even talk. I miss him … how do I get him back?

Maya

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Dear Maya,

Your name is the key to solving your problem. Maya is the Indian goddess of illusion; she distracts people from reality by her charm, complexity, and mirages. So don't let Maya play games with your mind. Your caring man is a typical example of the dangling carrot experiment; he only functions by motivation and your frozen state challenged him and he came after you aiming at your fences. Once you gave him access, the game was over and he fell into stagnation. For him you were just a dangling carrot.

Leave the illusions aside and open your eyes to reality; when he was Mr. Nice, you gave him access. When Mr. Nice became Mr. Lethargy, you shut him out.

Now, the basic "you" is standing face to face in front of the basic "him", and the two of you do not like each other.

He wants the warm "you" but the warm you only came to life when he was the nice "him". The basic "him" brings out your aggression and meanness, while the basic "you" brings out his cruelty and stubbornness.

You are just walking in opposite directions away from each other, so don't look behind and move on. You do not miss the real him, you miss the illusion you had of him, and this guy is not coming back.

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