Dear MAN … I want to hurt you

Date posted: November 1, 2008

Dear MAN

Look at me; look again; look closer;
Do you even see me?

Listen to me; listen more; listen deeper;
Do you even hear me?

A woman aching for her man;
A hunter aching to be a prey;

Why are you so lifeless? 
Why are you so passionless?

I am not your sister.
Why are you so tame?

I am not your friend.
Why are you so lame?

I am not your mother.
Yet I am to blame.

I hate you!

I have watched my self grow into the man that I dread that most; I have become the jerk I always complained of; I am now blaming you for every time I hit you, for every offence I aimed your way, for every attack I launched on you, for every hurtful word I darted at you … I was a sweet girl … now I am an abusive woman! Look what you have made me do? Look what you have made me say? Why did you make me hurt you? You make me feel invisible and it hurts. You make me feel genderless and it hurts even more. You make me want to hurt you. I resent you!

My dear protozoa, you tell me you trust me; you say you know who you are and how confident you are; you repeat over and over how sure you are of yourself; from your ivory tower you send me curves you call smiles accompanied by bubbles you call looks. Hey you sitting over there … I neither understand your smiles nor feel your looks. Everything is so cold. You are so cold. I don't feel you. I don't want to look at you. Let me hit you again maybe pain will shake that icy layer off that body of yours. React!

I want to cheat on you. I want you to see me with another man. I want you to feel the loss I feel. I almost did. I wish I did. Let me spray your eyes with black pepper. I want you to cry. Let me sprinkle your food with chili pepper. Maybe you will choke on your screams. Let me throw you in an ant bet. I want you to get bitten. Let me lock you in a beehive … do you even know how that feels? Let me light you on fire and watch you burn into ashes … little ashes … why don't you hunt me? Hold me? Draw me into you? I want to kill you!

My dear man I have never loved anyone as much I have loved you. Do you know why prince-charming has a horse? It was never about the horse; it was about how he lifted the princess with one arm off the ground, how she sat behind him and clung to his shirt, how they both flew into the horizon … so powerful … so free … so uninhibited … Oh you! This is so over! I wanted you to abduct me behind the moon and to show me how little stars light up a whole sky. Why don't I see twinkles in your eyes? I wanted you to be my man and hoped you would make me your woman. Why are my eyes wandering? I wished we would devour the future as we spit the past; but alas … we are trapped in the present. Oh my dear man … I don't want you! Go back to your castle before I bury you in mine.

Dear MAN

Curled in my chair I sat
Thinking of the dilemma we're at.

Hugging myself as I fell asleep
Falling from your arms – so down and so deep.

Here is a tear. I want to cry.
There is a man who still wants to try.

Couldn't you come closer?
Couldn't you sit at my feet?

Couldn't you look at me just once;
The way a man looks at a woman?

My words won't rhyme
And we're out of time!

As usual, you had to leave;
No! I want you to leave.

Yours truly,

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