Identity Magazine: Interview with Marwa Rakha

Date posted: March 11, 2013


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What made you want to become a relationship expert? Was it because of a personal bad experience?

You do not choose to be an expert; it just happens. It takes a lot of hands-on experience to really become an expert and I have had years and years of all sorts of relationships that I could safely say that I have seen it all! When it comes to relationships, men, and ironic twists, I am the one to come to!

What are the five most common problems that couples tend to come to you with?

I would prefer classifying them according to themes … relationship issues come to me in recurrent themes: One-sided love, getting over a breakup, men cheating, physical intimacy, and women admitting their unfaithfulness.

We all know people who reached the point of “That’s it, never again, this was my only chance of happiness and it’s over, never again!” How do you usually turn that level of negative sentiment around?

You cannot do anything to make that feeling go away! It needs time and luck; time to heal a wounded heart and good luck meeting someone who would not add insult to injury! Usually a person in such a state of mind has anxiety attacks, chest pain, and crying fits. My advice when such a tornado of pain hits, keep repeating in a loud voice: "It will pass! Everything passes! That too will pass!" Those words help with the pain of breakups and despair.

I also tell that person that there are a lot of fish in the sea and that it is never over unless they themselves want it to be over; a human being has the power to lock his/her heart to avoid pain. There are people who watch life go by instead of actually allowing life to go through them and there is nothing I could do for them.

What general advice would you give to couples who want to have a long, healthy relationship?

Love is not enough! It takes two people to grow together in the same direction to have a long healthy relationship. Long relationships end when people stop communicating openly and honestly, when people keep hurting one another, and when they no longer know why they are together.  Staying together takes a lot of effort from both sides and this is where most couples go wrong; from my experience with people, most of the time it is just one person who wants to make it work.

The longer two people live together, the more mistakes they both make – and that is only natural. If the mistakes, wounds, or unresolved issues are neglected or dealt with with arrogance and stubbornness, then the relationship is bound to end – even after 30 years!

What is the one advice you would like to tell your 20 year old self about love and relationships?

Treat yourself the way you want a man to treat you!

From your experience, what should a woman do so that her man appreciates her and stays loyal?

Appreciation and loyalty are not the same thing in a man's head! A man will appreciate a woman who loves him, shares his interests, is compatible with him sexually, does not hinder his growth and development, and respects him.

Yet nothing guarantees that he will be loyal! He might flirt, have one night stands, have flings, or have causal affairs. Some men are loyal for lack of opportunity! The point is: a man will be truly faithful if he – and only he – decides that he is done with women and that he wants to invest all his time and emotions into his family.

Now, what do you think is one of the biggest marriage or relationship-killing things that men and women do?

Taking one another for granted is the worst thing you can do to a relationship! Dealing with your partner as though he/she would never leave is a disaster! Most people who take their partners for granted also deal with them with disrespect and superiority, this is why they are too blinded by arrogance and ignorance to see how much damage they are causing and how much suffering their partner is going through.

They say good girls like bad boys. Do you think there is some truth to that concept?

Unfortunately yes! Good comes in shades  … really really good girls do not like bad boys but good girls with a touch of naughtiness within are repelled by good guys!

What's the most difficult issue someone came up to you with and found it really hard to be solved?

 Any problem that falls outside the sender’s control zone is hard to be solved. For example, sender’s mom, dad, mother-in-law, or any other relative is ruining his/her life. You cannot solve that! You just have to work around it by stressing yourself even further! Another example, husband addicted to porn! I got that complaint a lot over the years! There is nothing you could do about that! Take him or leave him! The “Take it or leave it” rule applies to a lot of issues; jealousy, domination, disrespect, constant cheating, lying, and so forth! You can only change yourself! Your control zone is limited to your own existence; you can control your choices, your actions, your words, your behavior, your attitude, and most parameters of your life. Unfortunately you do not have that power over anyone else in your life! So when the problem is really not with the sender, it is difficult to give realistic solutions to the problem.

"All men are the same, they all have the urge to cheat" Is this saying true?
 
The definition of “cheating” is not the same in male and female dictionaries! The meaning of cheating also differs from one man to the other and from one woman to another! It is a whole range of things that are viewed differently by both genders and by members of the same gender. Ultimate blind loyalty is not really a human trait! We all “cheat” in our own ways and according to our own code of ethics and personal values. The clash occurs when my type of cheating – the type that I find acceptable – is viewed as a disgrace by my partner and vice versa!
 
The affair is not just about 3 people; there are other factors other than man, woman, other woman/man. There is the element of secrecy that is directly related to pride! If no one knows that the man is cheating, then no one’s pride would be hurt, then it would be okay! If the man’s best friend and his wife who happen to know the fooled wife know about the affair, then of course the wife’s pride would become a problem! If the whole world knows that the man is cheating then the wife has to “do something about it” to save face!
 
There are a lot of women who do not mind their husbands having one night stands as long as there are no feelings involved … as long as the other woman is a dirty little secret not an official wife!
 
Is it true that women forgive faster than men? And why?
 
No! It is not true! It is a matter of neediness and self-esteem combined together. The party with the less self-esteem and more neediness will forgive faster. This is the case in most relationships before marriage. After marriage, there are other factors like financial dependence, social compliance, family ties, stability, and the presence of kids. Those factors decide who forgives who for what!
 
If a woman is financially independent, does not care about the divorce stigma, has support from her family or does not care about their support in the first place, and does not have kids from that man, she is most likely forgiving him because she needs him as a person in her life! If she no longer needs him emotionally, and she knows that she deserves much better, then there would be no reason to accept his follies and fallacies!
 
After giving advises to couples, do they keep facing the same problems and eventually break up? Or is it possible to let them go and work things out?
 
I have seen couples miraculously turn around a doomed relationship! It took a lot of hard work and cooperation! They both changed! They both had to let go of some of their values, beliefs, and attitudes! They both compromised! They both let go of parts of who they were before they got married and developed new areas of union and cohesion between the two of them. They became like twins who share the same spine!
 
Those are very rare! I have actually seen one couple do that! Out of the countless people that I have met or talked to … only one couple managed to get it right!
 

Fun Qs:

Committed or Single?

It's complicated:)

What advice would you give to a heartbroken 14 year old girl?

He was just a stop on the way … enjoy the journey and the sea is full of fish!

Love is…

You know you love a person when you no longer think of him/her as yours! When you watch them fly high and away from you and still manage to smile and be happy for them! Love is letting go of everything except the good memories you once shared.

A smart way to survive a breakup and to help letting go easier…

Do not resist the pain! Go through it and let it go through you, like an ugly storm, when it's over beauty will be all around you.

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