"I broke up with her … she is not a virgin" with these words my best friend, Sparky, woke me up on a lovely sunny Friday. I got in my lazy weekend outfit and I drove to that sunny promenade downtown to meet him. My mind was still asleep, I was not sure of what I had to say to him and I did not know what to expect to hear about her. Shania Twain's ominous song, "It only hurts when I am breathing", was playing on the radio and my heart went out to the poor girl Sparky broke up with the night before, yet I decided to keep my thoughts for myself and listen to him with an objective pair of ears.
I pulled a chair, adjusted it to face the sun, ordered a hot cup of tea with mint, looked at Sparky with big green eyes, and told him to tell me what happened. He moved a nervous hand through his tousled black hair and told me in the saddest tone ever "She deceived me … I fell in love with a slut … I will make her pay for it!" Then I was sure that my lovely Friday was ruined. I asked him to leave revenge, judgments, and conclusions aside, and to tell me what turned his angel into a slut overnight.
"I told you … she is not a virgin … she confessed yesterday … I asked her if she did it before and I was sure she would say she did not … she looked so innocent … but instead she told me she did … I went deaf then numb then mad and I broke up with her … what more do you want to know?" Sparky barked back at me. I knew that he was angry and that he was not faking the attitude.
"Take it easy now and let's break this down to little pieces." I said carefully trying not to infuriate him. As I avoided the slightest eye contact, I took a sip of my tea and asked him "Ok … she is not a virgin … what does this say about her?"
Sparky did not take much time thinking, "She is a slut; she is loose; she is easy; she cannot be trusted; she is not fit to be neither a wife nor a mother; she did it before marriage and she is most likely going to do it after marriage." He said with utter confidence; and as though his problem was suddenly resolved with this conclusion, he asked for the check, thanked me for my support, and left.
My drive home was far from pleasant; I was angry! My sense of justice was provoked and I could see visions of me whipping all the Sparkies in the world with my counter argument. I wanted to pick up the phone and tell my best friend that he is a big fat fake lie; that he is a selfish egocentric sexist; that I envy his ex girlfriend for getting rid of him while I am stuck with him in this so-called friendship.
This is not fair! … he called her a slut, denied her the right to be a wife and a mother, turned her into a cheap piece of meat, and decided that she will cheat on whoever decides to take pity on her and marry her. What about the other side of the coin? What about the accomplice in the crime? What about you Sparky? Are you a virgin? Well, I know you are not! I know you have done it, bragged about it, and never missed a chance to blow your own horn when it came to talking about it. He turned a human being into a chocolate bar and he wanted to be the first to unwrap the chocolate bar!
Now what does that say about the Sparkies we know? What does that say about our society? I guess the answer does not need an Einstein … it is all about double standards. For him it is a subject worthy of pride, appreciation, and admiration, while for her it is a subject of shame, humility, and disgrace. He brags about his big deeds to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, while she strives to burry the deep dark secret. His mom proudly jokes about his adventures and his dad gives him well-kept advice, while her family, if they found out, would rather she caught an exotic disease and died when she was a child.
Agreeing that in the eyes of God males and females are judged on the same criteria, let's dig deep into the attitude of Sparky. Let's try to figure out why men, in our male-dominated society, think and behave like that. Let's also find out the reasons that make girls accept that behavior. Why is experience an advantage on his side and a disadvantage on hers? Why does he expect her to forgive and forget about his past while he insists on a detailed confession of her amours? Well Sparky, I know you are not going to like the answers I came up with.
It can all be traced back and tied down to insecurity. Sparky is after all a scared little boy who does not want to be evaluated, judged, or measured up, or down, against benchmarks from her previous relationships. He is a lazy male prototype who does not want to work hard to keep her happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in their marriage. He does not want her to compare notes and give grades. He does not want to hear comments, remarks, or observations from her, he just wants his cute doll to look at him with grateful eyes and thank him for being in her life. He does not want to listen to her needs; he wants to hear how good he makes her feel and how much of an expert he is.
Sparky wants to play master-slave with her; she will never complain, leave him, or get a life, while he is busy with his wild goose chases. She will never threaten to walk out on their marriage, or dump him for negligence and first-degree murder of the love she had for him. He wants to be the source of whatever knowledge she acquires, and as her sole and prime teacher he will teach her the uses and benefits of yes, thank you, and you are the best!
Now let's examine her … what is wrong with us girls? Why do we let the Sparkies get away with it? I know it is easier asked than answered … but let me try … it is years and generations of accumulated traditions that tied our hands to our feet, blindfolded our eyes and gagged our mouths. I could not tell Sparky in his face that he is a hypocrite … I could not tell him that it is a two way street; if she is loose then he is loose and if she will cheat on her husband then he will cheat on his wife. For having sex, he could not trust her, so why would any other girl trust him?
She could have easily lied … she could have easily rewrapped the chocolate bar. The price of a pair of Italian boots would have saved her pride and would have made her a happy bride. When she was honest she was rejected. Sparky did not appreciate the fact that she respected him enough to tell him the truth. His lame mental capabilities did not help him realize that an honest mother is better than a rewrapped chocolate bar. I am sure that next time she will get smarter and swear on her mother's life that she does not know how babies are made, and I am sure that the next Sparky, like all the other Sparkies, would rather be lied to than faced with such an ugly truth! I wonder how happy will the next Sparky be with his brand new rewrapped chocolate bar?
She would start by that one lie and then the lies will never stop. For fear of rejection, she will deny herself, forever, the right to share with him how she really feels about their marriage, sex life, home, kids, and the list is endless. She will fake her reactions, mask her feeling, and kill her brains … all in an attempt to keep a blind Sparky!
In our circles we see a lot of "chocolate bars" who hold on to the wrapping but we all know how they went from one hand to the other. There are girls who literally got naked with so many men yet managed to hold on to that little piece of skin that, in the eyes of Sparky, makes a girl an angel or a slut. Men are not thinking straight … a slut is not a label; it is a whole attitude of a girl who is willing to lie, cheat and twist facts … a virgin is not a medical term; it is a girl who is honest, pure and sincere … a girl is not a chocolate bar and Sparkies are definitely not Smarties.
I am not promoting premarital sex; I am neither defending girls who lost their virginity nor attacking guys who want to be the first to unwrap the chocolate bar … I am just asking how can a society applaud something when it is done by one gender and then condemn that very same thing when it is done by the other gender knowing that all religions forbid that thing? How can a man choose a lie over the truth? How can God's most favored creature be so ruthless and judgmental when it comes to his female counterpart? How do I tell Sparky what I really think of him?
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