Hit by a Bus

Date posted: March 1, 2005









I knew this feeling … the feeling deep down that the person on the other end of the relationship is slipping away. I knew it is over and I knew that the more I held on, the faster he would slip away and the worst I would get hurt!

Getting over someone is hard … ending a relationship is hard … overcoming a crush is hard … letting go is hard … I wished it would just hurt a bit then go away … I wished it were as simple as that …

Now that the hard part is over and I am now vomiting the toxic residues of a relationship that went sour … the leftovers of a guy who poisoned my life! I can look back and describe in details how each step felt.

At first I felt like I've been hit by a bus … I did not want to get out of bed … I just sat there and hurt from inside … I could not reach into myself – where it hurts – to try to make it better … there were tears to go with the pain and sometimes I just went numb then I was struck by this sudden pain which made me drive like a maniac, shout for no good reason, and feel overwhelmed by anger at him, me and life.

I tried resisting but the more I resisted the more difficult it got. It was like pushing a rewind button that would start the cycle all over again.

Then the next natural urge was avoiding my friends … avoiding the people who would ask me, judge me, blame me, or remind me of the recurrent pattern of choosing the wrong guys. I also avoided those who would pity me, sympathize with me or make me feel weaker than I already am.

I tried to go out with strangers … just faces and voices to fill in the empty hole inside of me … but the more I did that the lonelier I felt … I was always out of place … I did not belong with them or with anyone else.

I also fell for the common mistake; I tried dating someone else … it either went totally wrong from the beginning as I tried to prove to myself, subconsciously, that I lost the only person who was fit to be the perfect match, or it was fun for a few days (novelty has its charm), then I lost interest all of a sudden … I was not motivated to, talk to, listen to, or go out with the "cushion" – yes that person's function was limited to absorbing the pain of falling from cloud nine!

Memories hurt … unfulfilled wishes and dreams hurt … anger hurt … a wounded ego of a girl who believed she should have been worshipped hurt …

The hole got deeper … the wound felt as if it would never heal … it was a vicious cycle that just drained me.

During that time I had urges to pick up the phone and call … to send an SMS … to see if all is well … to see if I was missed … to see if my presence ever made a difference. Deep down I wanted to give him another chance to say sorry but it was always another slap in the face!

The peak periods were driving to, or back from, work, upon waking up, before going to bed, during meals, in the movies, in front of the TV regardless of what I am watching, before a date, on a date, after a date, with family, with old friends, with new friends, at work … I do not recall the rest of the times when I wanted to shoot myself!

The amazing part is that once I've hit rock bottom … there was no where to go but upwards … so bit by bit the pain loosened its firm grip on me … the crab that squeezed my heart with its clutches let go of what was left of it … the memories faded away … the vivid colors, sounds and scents seemed to have happened a long time ago … the isolation decreased … the loneliness became a friend … I enjoyed my own company again … the ground felt closer to my feet than to my head and I began to regain balance and interest in my old life and old friends.

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