Published in Identity Magazine – June 2016
I can't call it a 6 years relationship because we were able to be distanced for months, and i also cant call it a love story that lasted 6 years because we doubted our love to each other numerous times. So maybe I will call it an attachment that lasted 6 years with unexpected outcome. I have done unforgivable mistakes, but i managed to collect myself and I tired to fix them and replace what has been lost by being a new person and acting as my partner is expecting me to act. but the new page i expected doesnt exist in the real world; my past managed to haunt me and take away everything I wanted in life, which is him. The tragic ending was due to him not being able to forget/forgive what I have done. Unexpectedly, I found that he suddenly realized that he couldnt get over my mistakes even though we have been together for quite a while with the "new me" resolution. All what I am thinking about right now is that am I yet out of this endless cycle? or one day, maybe tomorrow, in a months, or even years we will be back and fall into the traps we never managed to close? Will I ever manage to live with him feeling secured or not? will he even be back or is it the beginning to the journey of getting over him? but I am already sick of this journey because it was never complete. we always managed to find our way back to each other but we were never ever able to managed a lasting relationship; we never found commitment. Distance was always the solution for our psychological damages to heal and our dramatic rude fights to be forgotten.
Pleasant toxic love
Dear Pleasant Toxic Love
Your choice of your signature name is the answer to your dilemma! Pleasant Toxic Love! You love is toxic yet you find it pleasant. You enjoy the suffering and the aches that come with this relationship. You find in pain retribution for your past sins and you hope that at the end of a life full of turmoil, you will find the light of peace and love you are longing for.
If your question is whether this relationship will end in love and peace, the answer is: No! It will not!
Love and peace are the promised outcomes of new beginnings; a new you, a new life, and a new man who deserves the new you!
You are enjoying the epic Iliad of your own creation to the extent of not wanting to put an end to it and write, maybe, an Odyssey. If you insist on prolonging your drama further you will end up with a farcical soap opera that will be a laughingstock instead of a heartbreaking tragedy or a deep controversial sequel. You will also lose many precious years and a lot of energy that should have been better spent.
Unfortunately, this toxic love has become a part of how you define yourself and your life. You will need a strong severe detox program to rid you of this relationship. It will be hard, painful, and extreme but it is your only option if you decided to walk away from this relationship. You can also choose to stay in this relationship until the toxins wear you out; when you no longer find it pleasant, it will end.
The worst thing about your story is that even if this relationship ends, you will seek the same pattern in your new relationship. A peaceful, relaxed, and happy relationship will not satisfy your desire for drama and plot twists. You will find “normal” boring, “happy” dull, and “peaceful” uneventful.
It will take a lot of strength and determination to get you out of this loop. You might also need behavior therapy. It is important to know how this pattern started to be able to change it. It usually starts at childhood when love is presented to the child in the most toxic form; when love is always associated with suffering, guilt, pain, punishment, or retribution.
Or it could have started in your early teens when you were still exploring love and relationships; maybe a first manipulative boyfriend or and older abusive lover. Whatever started this pattern has led it to become your comfort zone and what usually repels women in relationships has become your bittersweet journey.
The decision is yours; detox and therapy or let it wear you out.